It's been a very long time

I'm still here, chugging along. I began to go to counseling and I ended up having to go on zoloft, buspar, and ativan. The meds helped the depression, but my anxiety is out of control. And I now have insomnia. Really bad insomnia. I don't even want to say what all I take; it's enough that a normal person would have overdosed. And I am scared that one day my husband will wake up and find me dead, only because I was trying to go to sleep. I want to get help with it, but nobody seems willing to wean me off. Not that I'm telling anyone how much I truly take, I'd be to a psych ward for sure. *sigh*

Being a mom to twins is great. Being a mom to twins is hell. A very very fine line. I'm totally in love with my little boys. But I've lost my self. And my relationship with my husband is non-existant. We've had sex one time since the babies were born. And before that the last time was last September. I'm so scared he'll get tired of putting up with me and my issues and leave. It's not fair to him. He married someone who cooked and cleaned and did all the other things a good Christian wife should. And all that's left is a shell of that girl. Even though the meds help, I just can't let myself think back to pregnancy and their birth, especially not the time in NICU. If I do I fall apart. And no one tries to help me pick up the pieces anymore.

I know some of you only follow this blog, and I hate to just come here to vent, but since my other blog is public, people I know read it, and I can't post this kind of thing on it.

On the PCOS front. I ended up just going back on bcp's because I didn't want to bother with trying to keep up with my cycles. Since I now know when it's pms, I've realized things are sooo much worse on the week of the white pills. Impossibly worse. So much for being one of those women whose bodies are better after childbirth.

I love being a mom. I love my boys. I just don't love what my pregnancy and birth did to me. I wish the woman who got pregnant last June were here to be a mommy to these boys, because I really think they deserve her instead of what they got.

Still here

I am still pretty depressed, more so possibly since starting zoloft. I think my anxiety has been reduced a little, as I was able to give the boys about 3 oz of formula yesterday. I realized a while ago that pumping for 4-5 hours per day was taking me away from them 4-5 hours. However, I was just so attached to the idea of exclusive breastmilk that I had a few panic attacks over the decision to give a little formula so I could pump less and spend more time with them. So far they are ok, but every time I give them a bottle I feel awfully guilty. I've still been having about 1 severe panic attack per week. They have been awful and lasted close to two hours. I just want to be a normal happy momma.

It isn't going away.

These feeling wont go away. When they start to the littlest thing makes it bad again. If it weren't for my boys I wouldn't be here right now.

Post Partum

So it's official, I have post partum depression. My mom thinks with anxiety as the dominant feature, depression as the sub. After having several panic attacks, loosing all my coping skills, thinking about suicide, and feeling pretty hopeless and guilty i talked to my doctor who prescribed zo.loft. I started today. Probably need something for anxiety before it starts to work, but xana.ax is not compatible with breastfeeding. (Boo). I slept in out guest bedroom last night and let DH take care of the boys. A little uninterrupted sleep has me feeling better for now, but I can never tell how long "better" will last these days. It is awful to be so aware of what is happening. I know my thoughts and feelings and action are irrational, and I can't control them. I just hope the zo.loft helps and things begin to get better soon.


I imagine the twin guilt will never go away. There is only one "mommy" for two babies. I will never not feel guilty for not being able to give my 100% to each of them 100% of the time.

In a bad place

I'm not sure, but I think I might have postpartum depression. I cry for hours at night. Sometimes I don't want to hold my babies. I thought about suicide. I have a hard time facing each day. But I am so happy to be their mom. I just am not good enough. I have major guilt when holding one while the other cries. I never feel like enough. My DH does so much, and I feel like I'm not enough for him either. He cared for me throughout my hell of a pregnancy, and now this. He must feel like he married a different person. I feel like he married a different person. It doesn't help that I have hospital bills piling up around me, and that the insurance won't give Max his own policy number and that I can't call to resolve any of it because my phone doesn't work at my house anymore. Yes, I spend hours alone in a house with two infants and no working phone. That's safe. I want to be everything for both of them. Sometime I feel like they would be better off with no mommy, than a guilty half-mommy. I don't know what to do. I don't want t be like this. I just don't know how to stop.

Nicu post on my other blog

Check it out.
http://mamamos-myboysandme.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-new-heroes.html

Yay!

I figured out how to get back on!!!! My account is through a school email that is no longer active, and I am not advanced enough to figure out how to fix it. So if I go awol again, you can find me here
My little men are here. It was an awful labor experience. I didn't get to see them until they were 29 hours old. They were in NICU for 9 of the longest and most agonizing days of my life. They won't breastfeed so I am pumping and bottle feeding two babies, which takes up a heck of a lot of my day, I am still bleeding like crazy,which along with my still high blood pressure sucks the life out of me. But they are home now. Each feed is a trial. Thier daddy is wonderful but every once in a while does things like leave one on the kitchen counter while he goes to get a fresh diaper from the other room, or "tickle" them at bedtime (new babies don't like that soft touch, and at bedtime I want them to be kept quiet and unstimulated) I won't say any of this on my public blog. I wont say that I cry myself to sleep every night. But that is the other side of the wonderfullness of becoming a mommy. (And it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world) Sleep deprivation has just gotten the best of me. Visit my other blog for birth story and updates on my little princes.

Hospital

In the hospital since yesterday because of high bp/ and protein in my urine. BPs have been better, just waiting on a 24 hour urine to tell me whether I go home or have the cerclage out in the next day or so. Otherwise I'm praying they leave it in until next Friday or the following Monday to let my boys get to be bigger and healthier. Yesterday they were 4lbs5oz and 4lb9oz, not bad for 33 weeks, but I am still dreaming we will get to skip the NICU. Got my first steroid shot yesterday and getting the followup today, praying they help.

update

I've missed a few weekly updates between feeling so poorly and a crashed computer. I have been having tons of contractions, starting spilling protein in my urine, and swelling like crazy and have grown more that I though possible in the past weeks. The boys are doing well. Baby A (xander) decided to flip head down, hopefully he stays that way!!!!! They will take my cerclage out next week, and with all the contractions they are saying i will probably go into labor a soon as they do. Praying for healthy boys who can come home instead of staying in the NICU, an easy vaginal delivery, and people to be understanding about us asking for no visitors. With two babies, and recovering from this hellish pregnancy I'm thinking it will take every thing we have to stay sane, not adding loud germy visitors to the mix! Will update again when feeling better.

New Blog

I plan to make this blog private in the next week or two, I am not a technical genius, but will do my best to allow those who follow this blog to continue to do so. My new blog, which will chronicle the new path I am about about to embark on (ie, mother hood) can be found here: this will be a blog that my irl friends and family are able to read, and will probably mostly be baby posts (so beware) If I can figure out how to I will continue to blog about PCOS/ related issues here.

31 weeks (And Merry Christmas!)

Belly at L&D triage this week, where we were sent for monitoring because of high bp and contractions





Belly at 30 weeks 6 days

Wow, to think that last year I was so heartbroken to not be pregnant. Life surely has changed in the last year, and I imagine it will change even more in the coming year! DH and I had a quiet Christmas, we were able to go to see my family for a few hours, it was very nice to get out of the house and feel like a normal person. Unfortunately, I got a cold for Christmas, and am feeling particularly miserable, but such is life.

As DH read the Christmas story to me last night, I couldn't help but think of Mary in a new light. I think riding across town in our minivan is uncomfortable, I can't even imagine riding for days on a donkey. Or giving birth my very first time in a barn, or laying my new little baby in the animals food dish, or wrapping him in yucky stable cloths. I am so thankful for modern conveniences that make even my complicated pregnancy easier. But I am most thankful for God sending His Son, no matter the un-ideal circumstance, to this world to provide salvation for all of mankind. What a precious sacrifice and beautiful picture He has provided us in the Christmas story.

And now for the 31 week part of this post.

How far along: 31 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are theoretically growing from the size of four navel oranges each to the size of large jicamas (say what?). They are going from 16.18 inches to 16.69 inches long. Also, they are increasing in weight from 3.31 lbs to 3.75 lbs. (but last Monday Xander was 3lbs and Max was 2 lbs 11 oz)

Symptoms: cervical incompetence,terrible hip and back pain, LOTS of contractions, nausea, hemroids, insomnia, braxton hicks contractions, round ligament pains, heartburn, high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness, anemia, lots of fetal movement (the only fun symptom)

Total weight gain: +13 lbs

Maternity clothes: pajamas. Except for going to the doctor, then I wear real clothes. Some of my maternity shirts no longer cover the maternity panel in my jeans though.

Stretch marks: My underbelly is pretty disgusting, tons of dark stretchmarks. The rest of the belly is not too bad.

Sleep: DH slept in the other bedroom all week, so it had been good, but I got a cold, so it was bad last night, and imagine it will be tonight.

Best moment this week: getting a reprieve from contractions for a few hours in Christmas eve. Best Christmas gift ever. Unfortunately, they came back.

Movement: This week I discovered they like music, usually when any is one the move a lot. They seem the most active around noon, 4-6, and then 11pm.

Food cravings: different things all the time. Usually they go away. This week I HAD to have a hamburger and some broccoli with cheese,peanut butter fudge, and home made pizza

Belly Button in or out: Out for the most part, still a hole, but with a ridge that sticks out all the way around.

What I miss: not having contractions, it's been pretty bad for the past two weeks.

What I am looking forward to: hopefully getting some new meds on Tuesday for my bp (which has been as high as 167/115) and to stop these darn contractions.

Milestones: Getting to 3 lbs seems pretty big

How is daddy? he had his first cold ever this week, but is over it now, and trying to take good care of us.

How are the grandparents? Not much has changed with any of them since last week. DH's dad had a 5 day delay, so I'm really thinking he won't be here in time for the birth. My dad has been grumpy. Both of our moms have been supportive and trying to take good care of me.

30 weeks

How far along: 30 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are theoretically growing from the size of heads of cabbages to the size of four navel orange (each). They are going from 15.71 inches to 16.18 inches long. Also, they are increasing in weight from 2.91 lbs to 3.31 lbs. (but we'll see how much they really weigh tomorrow)

Symptoms: cervical incompetence,terrible hip and back pain, LOTS of contractions, nausea, hemroids, insomnia, braxton hicks contractions, round ligament pains, heartburn, high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness, anemia, lots of fetal movement (the only fun symptom)

Total weight gain: +10 lbs

Maternity clothes: pajamas. Except for going to the doctor, then I wear real clothes. Some of my maternity shirts no longer cover the maternity panel in my jeans though.

Stretch marks: My underbelly is a breeding ground. Every time I dare look under there it seem at least 2 more show up.

Sleep: A little better at night, usually from 12-3 and then 4-7 I sleep ok. I make myself stay in bed longer than that though, and between contractions and having to roll over again and again not so much sleep after that.

Best moment this week: going home from L&D on Wednesday night, I was pretty sure they were going to make me stay since the monitor was showing contractions every 3-5 minutes. The contractions still have not completley gone away. I have been having them at least every 15 minutes (sometimes 10, 8 and even 5) since Monday afternoon.

Movement: Very active little boys. They seem the most active around noon, 4-6, and then 11pm.

Food cravings: different things all the time. Usually they go away. This week I HAD to have a cherry slushy and mint oreos (not together)

Belly Button in or out: The right side pokes out a bit, and the bottom is starting to join it. If I push on my belly at all, or have a big contraction it all sticks out.

What I miss: being able to sit up in bed more. This week I have had to cut back even on my sitting in bed, because of the contractions. Lots of laying on my left side, which gets pretty old. Fast.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing my little guys on the ultrasound tomorrow. Also, I am really hoping to get some answers from my peri, and *fingers crossed* something to make these darn contractions stop!

Milestones: 30 weeks! We're in the thirties! Since the beginning 30 seemed like a big number. Just 28 days until my doctor's goal of 34 (and 56 until my goal of 36!)

How is daddy? good, happy to be done with school for a little bit. Mommy is going to put him to work in the nursery this week.

How are the grandparents? Ok, my mom has been injured, but is starting to be more mobile and come around more often. My dad is busy with hunting season. DH's mom washed all of the baby clothes and organized them on Friday. She has been such a great help. I am beginning to realize that she thinks I will need this level of help once they come. It has been really hard for me to watch someone else set up my nursery and take care of my house, but because it was the best for my boys I have accepted it and been thankful for it. But one these boys arrive, I will be their mom. It was too much of a struggle for us to get here, I am going to be taking care of my boys, I am the mommy! And that is what I plan to be to them, hope this goes over okay when they get here. DH's dad is on my last nerve. He just embarked on a supposedly 3-4 week sailing adventure to the Baha.mas. It will realistically be about 5-6 weeks. He didn't want people at church to know that he went, because they might think poorly of him doing this with me so close to delivery. But he didn't discuss it with my hubby or I at all. It hurts that he would leave, knowing he will most likely miss their birth. He can't get that back. Just makes me mad.

My hubby is a saint.

It's embarrassing but necessary; I have to pee in a bedside toilet at night, otherwise I fall and that's obviously bad. I try to clean it out, but hubby yells at me. Ok, technically taking a bucket o' pee to the bathroom is not on the "yes" list, but it's too gross to ask anyone to do it for me. Hubby does though. Today, he went to do it and the handle of the bucket came lose, sloshing my PEE (EWWW) all over the floor (luckily not carpet) And my hubby cleaned it up. As I watched him, kneeling down to clean up my pee, I was just enthralled. How did I get so blessed with this man. This man who works almost 80 hours per week, at a very stressful job (he works at a group home for teens with developmental disabilities, most of whom are state ordered to be there because of violence towards either family members or educators) goes to freakin nursing school, comforts me when I cry, shaves my legs if I ask, and CLEANS UP MY PEE?! He is just too good to be true, and I love him so.

As for me and the boys, it's been a little rough these past few days. Contractions pretty much all day despite meds, lying down etc. But every time I time them, they're either at the threshold for being too many, or just under.... so I'm not sure. Yesterday at my appointment my cervix was 3.6. I know, that is a great measurement......but last week it was over 5. Just kinda freaks me out that it shortened so much in one week. Coupled with the contractions, worries me that they aren't BH. They are dancing right now, and making my belly shake, lol. Silly little monkeys, you'd better stay in there for the next 32 days!

29 weeks

How far along: 29 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are theoretically growing from the size of butternut squashes to the size of heads of cabbages. They are going from 15.2 inches to 15.71 inches long. Also, they are increasing in weight from 2.54 lbs to 2.91 lbs.

Symptoms: cervical incompetence,terrible hip and back pain, contractions, nausea, hemroids, insomnia, braxton hicks contractions, round ligament pains, heartburn, high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness, anemia, lots of fetal movement (the only fun symptom)

Total weight gain: +6 lbs

Maternity clothes: pajamas, dresses and sweatpants,maternity leggings. It has actually been really cold here lately.

Stretch marks: six on the underbelly, and two getting darker near my bellybutton.

Sleep: OUCH! My legs go to sleep, or my hips hurt so bad, I get about 3 hours of good sleep, and then wake up every 30 minutes or so and stay awake for 10-20minutes each time. UGGG. Last night I was awake for almost two hours with what I think were contractions.

Best moment this week: being able to get out and go to my family baby shower

Movement: ALLLLL the time, especially Xander. They are so active. They make my whole belly shake.

Food cravings: something different every day. Really have been wanting some conversation hearts, guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks!

Belly Button in or out: Pretty flat, but they like to push against it and make it poke out.

What I miss: cooking, I am so ready to get out of this bed and do some Christmas baking! Before this I was all over being a home-maker and cooked all the time. I haven't cooked anything since probably 8 weeks when the morning sickness kicked in.

What I am looking forward to: My next appointment with my peri. Get to get weights on the boys and see their sweet faces. DH gets to go with me, it will be his first time going to this doctor with me and seeing their high-tech ultrasound.

Milestones: 29 weeks. The last week in the twenties seems like a big deal. Our goal date is only 36 days away (although I'd love to make it about 50 more days)

How is daddy? good, studying for finals which he has tomorrow.

How are the grandparents? They've backed off some since DH has been home, I have appreciated being able to rely on him for more.

Registry woes

Twins. I'm having twins. This is a pretty cool thing, I think. They are going to be so cute. Apparently all of my family and friends feel the same way, because they all are buying my little guys the most adorable clothes . And you know how people always complain they get a million newborn things, and their babies only fit in them for like a week. Not a problem here! Nope, the most common clothes sizes are probably 6-9 months. But they are mostly long sleeved. And I live in Florida (where it will be roughly 90-100 degrees when my boys reach this age). And there are no return receipts. I am so appreciative of people being willing to buy us stuff. But Public Service Announcement, although you might think something is cute, parents need things that they have put on their registries and would probably very much appreciate it if you purchased those items in conjunction with the oh so cute matching jogging suits. I have a long list of things we have to buy before the boys get here, and that's not including the more than the 5 newborn outfits per boy that we have (how long will 5 outfits last in newborn time, 2 days?) and we have no money, because really, I wasn't planning to stop working two months ago, I was planning to stop at the end of the year. Geesh, I sound ridiculously bratty. But I cannot complain to people in real life, because we are soooooo blessed. Needing things and not knowing how we are going to get them is scary though.

23-24 weeks, my time in the hospital, the longest post ever

Today I am warm and cozy in my bed. Today's doctor appointment went well, finding my cervix well over 4 cm, and I also found out I passed my 3 hour glucose tolerance test. The boys are turning somersaults as I type, and my nursery is getting pretty full of stuff we need (my grandparents just brought over mattresses!) Today has been a good day, and for the most part I am happy. I needed to be happy (and take a vistiril, lol) before I told you about the scariest experience of my life.

Five weeks ago my mom picked me up to go to my doctor, we were, as always running late. I had remembered the time of the appointment wrong (by 15 minutes) and we were about 15 minutes late. When I got to the office the doctor had gone to deliver a baby, and all of the nurse practitioners were at lunch. They told me to come back that afternoon. I was feeling just a little better than I had been, so my mom and I went to visit her friend and look in a baby boutique while we waited. I probably only stood up for a grand total of ten minutes (something I look back on as being a blessing!) When we went back for my appointment, my doctor had gone to deliver another baby. By this time, my mom had to go pick my sister up from school, so I waited. I waited for at least an hour before they got me back. I planned to tell my doctor how I thought I was still anemic, and my blood pressure seemed to be going up despite my meds. However, when my doctor inserted the vag.inal probe for my regular cervix check I knew something was NOT right. What usually looked like a thin, long hair of a cervix disappeared into what looked like a funnel with an eyelash on the end. When the doctor pushed on my belly the eyelash disappeared. My doctor's face went a little white, as she explained it looked a little like I might be funneling, and wanted to get a better look. She sent me down the hall for the high tech ultrasound machine and technician. The tech confirmed what we suspected, my cervix had shortened dramatically, from 4.5 two weeks before to about 1.5, with funneling to .7. They instructed me to get dressed and go straight to labor and delivery, and that I would be having a cerclage placed the following day. I knew what all of this meant. I knew that at 23 weeks 2 days my babies were not ready to come into this world. And I knew that if it had not been for that doctors appointment, that's exactly what would've happened within the next few days.

Once at labor and delivery they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors. One of which showed that I was having pretty regular contractions that I didn't even feel. So they started and IV, gave me all kinds of meds, the names of which I don't even remember, including a shot or two of tordol in my tush (ouch). My peri came in and painted a grim picture. He said he wasn't sure a cerclage was my best option. That it was so early he couldn't guarantee results. That he wanted to do an amnio to make sure an infection wasn't causing the contractions, and that in a worst case scenario, I could quite possibly loose both babies I declined the amnio. He checked my cervix and found that I was less than 1cm dilated. He said he wanted to do another ultrasound the next day to make sure I had not shortened anymore, and wait until the following day to place a cerclage IF my contractions stopped, and things continued ok. He was the one who would do the surgery, so I just nodded numbly. On the way I had been thinking, a cerclage will fix this, it's great they found it in time, we're going to be fine. And here this doctor told me I might not get a cerclage, that in this situation he had seen cerclages NOT work, that I might be having my way too small babies within the next few days or if I was lucky weeks, that I would have to be on hospital bed rest until they came. I was terrified. Then my OB came (she is the most amazing woman!) she encouraged me that she thought a cerclage was warranted, that she would transfer me to another hospital and peri if need be, and that she would see me in the morning. She then gave orders for them to cath me. Which a student nurse placed, and which was every bit as traumatic as you would think a tube being stuck up your pee-hole would be. DJ arrived an hour or two after and we settled in for a long night, full of monitors beeping and nurses coming in and out to check the babies heartbeats (them pushing on my belly caused contractions) and then usually more shots or iv medications to stop the contractions. It was a loooong night. DJ had to leave at 7 the next morning and I was left alone with the sweetest nurse. I was finally allowed to eat a little. My perineonatologist's colleague came in to check on me and so did my doctor. Although I had had contractions the night before they both indicated if I didn't have regular ones that day, they would place the cerclage the next day. They gave me permission to eat (something I had not done since about 2 pm the previous day, very hard for a pregnant lady!!)

Eating made me sick to my stomach though, so I asked for medicine to help (apparently vomiting causes contractions). The nurse gave me some phenergen in my IV. Within 2 minutes I was in a daze that lasted for several hours. I could barely speak, that is not a drug I ever want to get again! During my daze my mom came and they decided to transfer me to a high-risk room with a nurse that only had two patients to look after. Even in my daze this sounded like a good thing to me. Little did I know how utterly incompetent that nurse would be! She came into to check on me probably two hours after I was transferred opening a package and saying "So did you already get your steroid shot, or are you ready for it?" I promptly told her "NO!" I had not had the shot, I was only 23 weeks pregnant, and was not in pre-term labor and therefore did not need to get the steroid shot (it's a shot that makes the babies lungs develop faster, usually given between 26 and 36 weeks of pregnancy if labor is imminent) Then she slips in that she has to do a fetal fibernactin test (something I had never heard of before this point) and that she would do that now (as she opens the package) she seems to just be chit-chatting, saying the reason they didn't give it the day before was because it was soooo important nothing be inserted in the vagi.na in the previous 24 hours as it was an important test, and that could affect the results. I am still out of it. She starts to put the cotton swab in me when my mom yells "Stop!" and tells the nurse I had only been there since 6 or 7 pm, and my doctor had done a pelvic exam (it was about 12pm at this time)! The nurse was like, oh, ok, nevermind. That evening my ob comes back at 6 to do an ultrasound. She tells the nurse to do the FFN test, and says "Wait, it's very important that I know exactly what time the pelvic exam was performed, what time does it say in the chart?" The nurse, without checking my chart (I bet she didn't ever check it!) said 6:15. UGGG. I'm pretty sure it wasn't until closer to 7:30, but whatever. So they do the test, do the ultrasound, which shows it hasn't shortened more, and leave me for the evening, saying I'll get my cerclage the next day! 15 minutes late the nurse comes in to change my iv bag (which had been empty for at least 15-30 minutes) In the middle of changing the bag she says "Oh, it's shift change, I'll be right back to finish this" and disappears. She never comes back. By the time the new nurse got around to me blood had backed way up in my iv and she had to flush it 3 or 4 times before she could even start a new bag. That night was full of shots, medicines and monitors too.

The next morning DJ had to leave to go to school at 6 am. He came back at 6:45 am, his teacher excused him since I was having surgery. I was then taken to pre-op (with he and my mom). They took some blood and the doctor came and explained the procedure and the anesthesiologist came to explain the anesthesia (my mom asked him if he used the drugs that he was in control of on himself, hahaha)and they took my back to surgery. The anesthesiologist then gave me the spinal and they put me into position. Position was upside down with my legs spread eagle. It was the most awful position to be in, especially with the bottom half of my body numb. I then noticed the window in the room, which was open and filled with the laughing faces of surgical interns that had to be around my age. I was soooooo mortified. Luckily one of the surgical nurses went and yelled at them and closed the window. Then my cerclage was performed. It was weird, I don;t know what all they did, but it felt like they were sewing and sewing. I was awake through the whole thing. At one point I could not breath, and I am quite sure my face turned purple. The anesthesiologist stayed by my head and talked to me the whole time. He was a nice guy. Coming out of the anesthesia was one of the weirdest feelings. It had not completely worn of when I went back to my room. My mom and hubby weren't there, because they had told them I would be in recovery for at least an hour. (I was there for 20 mins, have you noticed the theme of incompetence here?) I was in major pain when he came back and the ultrasound people came and gave me a vag.inal ultrasound. (talk about painful!) Then the pain got worse, it was a 10, the worst pain of my life. I cried and cried. Then my nurse gave me nubane and I was back in a drugged daze, but at least it didn't hurt so bad. I don't remember a lot after that, other than stages of pain and contractions, then stages of being doped up. And then the pain. I had the worst migraine ever the following day. They gave me a percocet. It did nothing. So my night nurse gave me 2 more percocet.... and vistiril.... and iv nubane (because then I was having contractions) and then ambien. All of this at the same time. I had just gotten my catheter out and it was the first night I was able to get up to go to the bathroom. I woke up in the middle of the night and asked her to unhook me from all the monitors. She did and even though I was on all those drugs, she sent me to the bathroom without assistance. And I fell. Of coarse I fell. And my mom yelled at the nurse, and the nurse blamed it on me. And I had more contractions. Those were the worst days. That was Tuesday-Friday.

Saturday I started to feel a little better, they finally got my headache to go away, and I got fewer drugs. I was still very dizzy from the anemia (I think my numbers were at 9) and I couldn't get up without assistance, but I was a little better. They seemed to to think I could go home Monday. I had contractions Sunday night. Monday came and it was clear my doctor did not plan to send me home that day. I cried pretty much all day because I was so sad. Tuesday she said maybe the next day, but my parents convinced me I hadn't been honest with her about how I was doing and probably needed to stay longer. With many tears and arguments, I conceded. My mom and dad came the next morning to support me and help me be honest with my doctor. She decided to wean me off the bp meds to help with the dizziness and even offered to give me PIO iron or a transfusion to help with the anemia. My new go home day was set at Friday if I did better, promised to stay in bed, and to use a bedside toilet at night because that was (and is) when the uncontrollable dizziness and falling occurred. They weaned me off the blood pressure medicine, and I was sent home Friday. Gosh, it seemed so much longer actually being there. It was ten days. Ten horrible, scary days. Each night filled with nurses coming in and out. So many contractions, and so much uncertainty. It is so good to be home. I feel so fortunate to have some freedom here at home! Still having contractions, still dizzy as all get out some days, and lately I have been having insane blood pressure. But, I am 28 weeks. I get to sleep in my own bed. My friends and family have provided us with things we need for the babies. And every day they stay inside me is 3-5 days less in the NICU. My pregnancy has been far from trouble free and ideal. But, after being in the hospital, and seeing how bad it could've been. Dizzy and on bedrest doesn't seem quite so bad. Praying we stay out of the hospital!!!!

28 weeks!

How far along: 28 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are theoretically growing from the size of Chinese cabbages to the size of butternut squashes . They are going from 14.80 inches to 15.2 inches long. Also, they are increasing in weight from 2.22 lbs to 2.54 lbs.

Symptoms: cervical incompetence,terrible hip and back pain, contractions, nausea, hemroids, insomnia, braxton hicks contractions, round ligament pains, heartburn, high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness, anemia, lots of fetal movement (the only fun symptom)

Total weight gain: +4 lbs

Maternity clothes: pajamas, dresses and sweatpants, my mom got me some new duds for my family shower next week.

Stretch marks: Four on the underbelly, and two getting darker near my bellybutton

Sleep: OUCH! My legs go to sleep, or my hips hurt so bad, I get about 3 hours of good sleep, and then wake up every 30 minutes or so and stay awake for 10-20minutes each time. UGGG. Despite Ambien even!

Best moment this week: being able to get out and go to my baby shower

Movement: ALLLLL the time, especially Xander. They are so active.

Food cravings: something different every day. I have been wanting my grandma's lasagna, and she called me tonight to see if she could cook me something, I was all over that.

Belly Button in or out: Pretty flat, with a little indentation. If a boy puts his but against it, it will stick out.

What I miss: being able to do stuff. I really wish I was allowed to set up my nursery.

What I am looking forward to: My family shower nest Saturday, several people are coming from out of town, praying we get things we need like mattresses and baby monitors as opposed to tons of clothes..... don't get me wrong, I love clothes, but we still have things we really need, and we got tooooons of clothes at the last shower. Mostly size 0-3 months. I think I may actually gave to buy some clothes for these little guys.

Milestones: 28 weeks, we are in the third trimester!!! And a new category according to the march of dimes info on preemies.

How is daddy? ok, he had to drop some classes this week, which means he has to take next semester off and wait until they offer them again. It actually is going to be a blessing, because he will be able to be off from everything for a few weeks when the babies get here. It does push his graduation back from June to December though.

How are the grandparents? Good, they are all trying to take good care of me, and looking forward to meeting these little boys.

Tired

I get tired of posting all the complications from this pregnancy, feel like all I do is whine. But..... I failed my 1 hour glucose test, so I have to do the three hour test. Also, my bp has been super high, despite new medications. Last night it was high, and I began to experience numbness, starting in my left hand and radiating up to about 3 inches above my elbow. I called my mom, who is a nurse. She spoke with my DH for a while and when I got the phone back my face had become numb, especially on the left side. She kinda freaked out and yelled for me to take some fast acting blood pressure medicine, and that I was experiencing what could be a stroke. So I took the medicine and DH drove me to L&D (at about 1 am). Once I got there my blood pressure began to go down. The nurses there had no patients and triaged me quickly..... they also got rid of me once my bp went down quickly- they didn't even send my urine to the lab! When they discharged me, they told me not to take my bp so often, and that I was pregnant, it would be high. I asked what the doctor said about the numbness, and the nurse said- "He didn't really address it" (I bet she did not even tell him about it!!!!) "And it's a normal symptom of pregnancy" Whatever! Not the only incompetent and lazy nurse I have encountered at that hospital. My instructions were to follow up with my ob. Which I did today, and she just upped my bp med dosage (as of 8 hours later, it's still high) As for the numbness, she said it could have been a panic attack (which I doubt, because the numbness lasted for about 5 hours. An ER doc my mom works with said it was either the beginning of a stroke, symptoms of long uncontrolled high bp, or pre-e. The ob didn't say anything about protein in my urine, but if my bp doesn't go down in the next week I may ask for a 24hour urine. I had one about a month ago, and I had began to spill a minimal amount.... but that was 4 weeks ago on Friday........ So that is what's up with me. My short term goal is just to get us to the boys next growth scan at 30 weeks. Just three weeks away, praying so hard. Please pray for me and the boys too.

27 weeks! (with pictures)

How far along: 27 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are theoretically growing from the size of heads of cauliflower to the size of Chinese cabbages . They are going from 14.41 inches to 14.80 inches long. Also, they are increasing in weight from 1.93 lbs to 2.22 lbs. (over two lbs yay!!)

Symptoms: cervical incompetence,terrible hip and back pain, contractions, nausea, hemroids, insomnia, braxton hicks contractions, round ligament pains, heartburn, high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness, anemia, lots of fetal movement (the only fun symptom)

Total weight gain: +1 lbs

Maternity clothes: pajamas, dresses and sweatpants.

Stretch marks: I was so bummed to discover four hiding under my belly! They are dark and spreading, Boo.

Sleep: I finally got a pregnancy pillow, and it was helped with the turning over, but am still in lots of pain.

Best moment this week: spending the weekend with DH! It's been so nice to have him around.

Movement: They are always partying it up in there. Their new favorite it to stretch out with their heads or bottoms up by my ribs. I push them back down. Funny boys.

Food cravings: something different every day. Today, chili dogs and a peppermint patty.

Belly Button in or out: In, but getting flat.

What I miss: mobility. Bed rest is driving me crazy, there is so much to be done around here, it is hard just to sit and not do it. (But so worth it on Sunday when we reach another week.)

What I am looking forward to: My showers this weekend and next, praying we get things we need like mattresses and baby monitors as opposed to tons of clothes..... don't get me wrong, I love clothes, but we still have things we really need.

Milestones: 27 weeks, the last week of the second trimester!

How is daddy? stressed with school and work.

How are the grandparents? Wonderful, I know they are looking forward to it being time for the little boys.

FAIL!

I'm feeling pretty helpless here. I'm at home, on bed rest while my DH works from 4pm-midnight. I have a craving for pizza. I go and get my debit card. I make an order for pizza online. It goes through and I see that my pizza will be delivered with all it's cheesy and mushroomy goodness in only 30 minutes! I am feeling very confident and self-sufficient. And then pizza hut calls and tells me it doesn't have any crust except for thin (so not worth it)and I cancel my order. Boo. And I can't drive to a different pizza hut, because I can't drive. Utter defeat. Guess it's mystery covered dish for dinner (I am so thankful for people bringing me food, don't get me wrong, but I am tired of iron rich food and just wanted some pizza! I haven't had pizza in months!) Gah. So many worse things could happen. I hate to complain. But I also hate the loss of all independence. I have a bedside potty chair for goodness sake.


In a future post, I plan to share a few hospital/cerclage horror stories, and I also plan to include information on being on the other side of a baby shower, but for tonight. I'm just going to go be grumpy about not having pizza.