Wednesday, February 23, 2011
In a bad place
I'm not sure, but I think I might have postpartum depression. I cry for hours at night. Sometimes I don't want to hold my babies. I thought about suicide. I have a hard time facing each day. But I am so happy to be their mom. I just am not good enough. I have major guilt when holding one while the other cries. I never feel like enough. My DH does so much, and I feel like I'm not enough for him either. He cared for me throughout my hell of a pregnancy, and now this. He must feel like he married a different person. I feel like he married a different person. It doesn't help that I have hospital bills piling up around me, and that the insurance won't give Max his own policy number and that I can't call to resolve any of it because my phone doesn't work at my house anymore. Yes, I spend hours alone in a house with two infants and no working phone. That's safe. I want to be everything for both of them. Sometime I feel like they would be better off with no mommy, than a guilty half-mommy. I don't know what to do. I don't want t be like this. I just don't know how to stop.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Nicu post on my other blog
Check it out.
http://mamamos-myboysandme.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-new-heroes.html
http://mamamos-myboysandme.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-new-heroes.html
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Yay!
I figured out how to get back on!!!! My account is through a school email that is no longer active, and I am not advanced enough to figure out how to fix it. So if I go awol again, you can find me here
My little men are here. It was an awful labor experience. I didn't get to see them until they were 29 hours old. They were in NICU for 9 of the longest and most agonizing days of my life. They won't breastfeed so I am pumping and bottle feeding two babies, which takes up a heck of a lot of my day, I am still bleeding like crazy,which along with my still high blood pressure sucks the life out of me. But they are home now. Each feed is a trial. Thier daddy is wonderful but every once in a while does things like leave one on the kitchen counter while he goes to get a fresh diaper from the other room, or "tickle" them at bedtime (new babies don't like that soft touch, and at bedtime I want them to be kept quiet and unstimulated) I won't say any of this on my public blog. I wont say that I cry myself to sleep every night. But that is the other side of the wonderfullness of becoming a mommy. (And it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world) Sleep deprivation has just gotten the best of me. Visit my other blog for birth story and updates on my little princes.
My little men are here. It was an awful labor experience. I didn't get to see them until they were 29 hours old. They were in NICU for 9 of the longest and most agonizing days of my life. They won't breastfeed so I am pumping and bottle feeding two babies, which takes up a heck of a lot of my day, I am still bleeding like crazy,which along with my still high blood pressure sucks the life out of me. But they are home now. Each feed is a trial. Thier daddy is wonderful but every once in a while does things like leave one on the kitchen counter while he goes to get a fresh diaper from the other room, or "tickle" them at bedtime (new babies don't like that soft touch, and at bedtime I want them to be kept quiet and unstimulated) I won't say any of this on my public blog. I wont say that I cry myself to sleep every night. But that is the other side of the wonderfullness of becoming a mommy. (And it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world) Sleep deprivation has just gotten the best of me. Visit my other blog for birth story and updates on my little princes.
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