Autism and fertility musings

Anna asked me if this week has scared me away from wanting children. Most certainly not! If I can do this, I can do anything. For the purpose of this blog I will call the child I am watching "Noodle".
Noodle and I have a special relationship, I guess you'd say. A love/hate relationship. Sometimes he doesn't like me, but he will do things for me that he won't do for others, like say "ooo" when I tell him to, put his shoes on, and get on the school bus without a fuss apparently. But when we but heads, we but heads. It has been an interesting week because as a babysitter I am here to keep him safe and let him have fun, but I can't take my ABA therapist hat off like I would if he weren't a child I do therapy with. Like the night before last. When I told him to eat dinner, and he ran to the living room, throwing himself on the floor, banging his head on the floor and scratching his face. I had to make him get up (despite the fact that he pulled handfuls of my hair out and clawed my face) and make him eat at least a little of his dinner. Because he has to do what I tell him. Whether he wants to or not (or has to communicate that he doesn't want to in a more appropriate manner) Noodle has had many of these incidents with me at the clinic where I work with him, but somehow, they are different at home. I will say they have, for the most part been in shorter duration.

On a happier note, every day when I have gotten him off of the bus this week, we have gone to the clinic (not his favorite place in the world by any means!) But yesterday, I didn't have to work. So when he got in the car, I handed him a soda and strand of beads and we went to target. When we got out of the car, he had the biggest smile I've ever seen, and gave me a huge hug (he's not a hugger, at all). Lol. we're going back today. And I made him his favorite cinnamon rolls for breakfast. (even though he's on a restricted calorie diet) Because, after all, I am the babysitter this week. I just happen to wear a therapist hat. :-)

Anna is coming to meet Noodle today. She has never met anyone with Autism. A 140lb 10yr old, with a developmental age of 18-22 months should give her a very interesting first look, I think. I also think that everyone should at least acquaint themselves (and their children) with a few children with different disabilities, #1 because their parents are deserving of our friendship, and #2 People in society really have no idea what it's like to be around people with special needs. And that needs to change! We need to accept people who are different from us, because after all, they are just different, not less. We can learn things from them.

Anna finds out Tuesday if she is having a boy or girl. I am not going to the ultra.sound with her. because I have to work (though honestly, the more she looks and acts pregnant the harder this is getting) So maybe, in some corner of my heart, I don't really want to go.

As for my cycle. I have no idea wtf is going on. Still spotting, it's been heavier, but there's been a major thermal shift. Since we've been at Noodle's house, sleeping on a tempur.pedic mattress. I'm not sure if it's responsible, or if I somehow O'd somehow. Idk. I guess time will tell.

mommyhood practice

So my babysitting stay has begun. So far I have had the following normal parenting experiences:

• packed a lunch
• wrote a teacher a note
• gotten a child on and off a school bus
• gotten only 3 hours of sleep in a night
• fixed a few kid approved meals
• been a chauffeur
• given baths
• loved on a sweet little man
  

And I have had the following Autism parenting experiences.

• gotten no note back from shoddy special ed program
• been hit, scratched and screamed at for various transgressions, such as turning onto wrong streets, withholding coveted sodas, and messing up the schedule.
• taken a child to therapy
• been stared at in public by people who have no idea
• loved on a sweet little man

Even after the sleepless nights and endless temper tantrums, I still really want to be a mommy!
However, my body , of coarse, has different plans. But I am on the search for a new Dr. to help me take control. Because I have bled for 22 out of the past 24 days, and there is no sign of anything changing soon. This might even be worse than waiting for AF, because now, I don't even know what I'm waiting for. There has to be a happy medium, right?

WTF!?

Except for a lack a cramps, I'd swear by the symptoms I am starting another period? My cycle so far has been CD1-7 AF, cd8-9 sticky cm, cd 10-16 spotting, and today, cd 17 (or 1?) a light flow. I do not understand what is going on at all. I don't even know what to hope is going on. I'm so confused. I think the provera broke me!

I'm Frustrated!

So the spotting has continued. Not heavy enough to call a Dr (not that I have one to call) but it still worries me. No signs of upcoming O. I am hoping that this is not another 90+day cycle. That would be awful, especially since we want to actively try this cycle!!!! Meanwhile, Anna's belly is growing, reminding me of exactly what I don't have. I love her, but it's getting hard. I want to be a mommy sooooooooooooooo badly. Impossibly badly. And yet. The spotting continues with no sign of O. I hate this. It's sucking the happiness out of joyful situations and I just hate it.

Happy Valentines Day

Don't you just love these? They are the bar stools that I bought the other day. Hubby assembled all four of them, and I really like the way they look.

Valentines Day
DH and I got to spend 1 hr before he went to work together, and then I made a fancy dinner for him when he got home tonight. Chicken Bryan, Cauliflower Gratin and Tiramisu. And in between I deep cleaned our bedroom and bathroom. I see much more spring cleaning in my future.

No signs of O yet, and spotting hasn't gone away. Why can't I just be normal?

What are you doing body?????

So, it did snow yesterday here in the Sunshine State. Not a lot. It didn't stick. But for about 15 minutes it snowed. And the whole town stopped. And went outside. And stuck out their tongues to catch the little drops of magic.
Today, looking outside, you'd never know it snowed yesterday. It's sunny out and warm, a few more degrees and it could be beach weather.

I worked all morning. I don't like working Saturdays, but today was a good one. The new kid is amazing. Every time I work with him I discover new things he can do. Today I discovered he can read tons of words, and can write. Happy day.

As for PCOS, I have no idea what my body is doing. I began spotting a little last night, light brown, and I figured it was nothing to worry about. Today, I am spotting, bright red, and it seems to be getting heavier. I don't understand what's going on...... not sure if I should be worried, or just chalk it up to my body hating me. Guess if it continues or gets heavier I'll worry.

Snow Day in Florida!

Except, I haven't seen a flake. It's just really cold rain. Booooo. The last time it snowed here I was about 6. I'm extra disappointed for my little sister, who is 11 and has never seen snow. Speaking of her highness, we are keeping her this Monday. The same Monday I am hoping to ovulate. I don't know why I have it in my head that it will happen Monday, other than last cycles' preview. I'm just basing it on the soy days. Back to the snow day. No work (yay) so instead I am going to Kohl.s to get some bar stools. (because we have been here since may and still only have one stool at our bar) and then come home and clean and make dinner for tonight. We rescheduled taxes with the in laws for tonight, however, Hubby has to work extra, so it may just be me and them. Interesting.

Work and Taxes

Those are the things on today's agenda for me. But I really wish it included a nap and a good book. Still fighting off the sickness from last week, not exactly a cold, but not exactly anything else either. My sore throat is finally beginning to let up today. And I thought my period ended yesterday, but I spotted again this am, maybe because of the BD last night? Hubby was cute. "Uhh, aren't we supposed to, uhhh, put a pillow under your bottom or something?" Today is CD "8" But really it's more like "7" because I never actually needed that maxi pad on cd1. Anyway, I took OPK's yesterday and today, both very negative. About how long before the big "O" will the lines start to become darker? Praying for an ovulatory cycle, but trying not to get my hopes up. Just like I trying not to get my hopes up about the big fat tax refund I am hoping for.

Sick

Of Coarse since I called in sick yesterday because of AF, I am really truly with-a-fever-and-everything sick tonight. And I have to work tomorrow. With a hyperactive girl with ADHD, a new kid (I hate new kids, not the kids actually, but the newness of them, next week I'm sure I'll love him) and the twins. Who incidentally gave me this illness. Boy twin was still sick with it today, and I spent an hour rocking his sweet little self as he slept in the waiting room rocking chair. Co-worker/ boss is sick too, so when I texted to see if we could cancel someone there was no answer, because she's already in bed. Lovely. Just lovely.

Cd3

Remind me why I asked for that provera again? This whole menstruation thing is absolutely miserable! It doesn't help that I'm not able to take anything for the back pain or cramps. Waaaa! Boy am I whiny. It really is bad though, I even called in to work (which I almost never ever do). I know they weren't this bad when I was on bcps, and I don't remember being quite this miserable before PCOS. I just hope I have more to show for this cycle than last one.

Bad blogger

I've been a horrible blogger and commenter. My internet had been slower than slow, and I haven't even been able to check my email. I think my addiction to face.book may have been cured though! Anyway, I just downloaded Fire.fox, something I've been meaning to do. My favorites are now all scrambled, but now things are going much faster, so yay! I will try to catch up on my missed reading and commenting in the next few days.

As for the saga of me, today seems to be CD1- WOOHOOO! The provera worked like a dream this time, as I just finished the last one on Sunday, and began spotting yesterday. Since Hubby wants to begin trying this time, I'll be starting soy tomorrow, and praying for a timely O. You may remember last cycle, it looked like I o'd (I still think I did) but no AF, just a little spotting. I have hope with the soy. And it really needs to happen around day 13-18, because after that hubby and I are watching one of my clients at his home for about week, and there is no way we are bd'ing in someone else's house. And coming home in the afternoon just to bd is kinda out of the question since we'll both be working. Enough infertility talk.

Autism talk. Yesterday, I worked with one of my eight year olds, and my nine year old. (the 8 yo showed up even though he wasnt on schedule, so I had to do a 2-1 session) It was awesome. :-) It's been a while since I've had them together, and I had them "race" through addition flashcards. Doesn't sound like much, but to me it was huge. Days like yesterday are why I love my job so much. (It doesn't hurt that the day started out with the twin 2yo's who are progressing so rapidly, I think they may escape diagnosis! (fingers crossed)

Anna and bf came over last night for dinner. She was 15 weeks yesterday. Feeling a bit jealous, but the fact that hubby wants to try this cycle is helping. Now if August comes a long, and we have had zero luck, I will most definitely have a different attitude. Ok, so time to get ready to go to work. I've missed blogging.