The end is the beginning

It went away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And in the normal range of days it should have!! (Woo-hoo!) So I started temping again, and we celebrated by bd'ing, and this morning? EW CM people! (though it should be far too early for it to mean anything, I still say it's beautiful) I can't help it, I'm hopeful for this cycle (even though I'm leaving to visit a friend for three days next week) I'd be thrilled just to get a normal period (and far more that thrilled to get a you-know-what) My little garden is spreading each day, the leaves of squash plants blanketing the soil beneath and the tomato vines reaching for the sky. I dreamed last night about all of the veggies I'd be getting. Hopefully my backyard is not the only fertile one around here. And my flower beds :-D Tons of little buds just waiting to blossom, and parade their blooms for all to see. I can't wait. This is the first year I've been able to plant (in the ground) and I'm loving it! I'm also loving the beautiful weather outside. Anna and I are going for a picnic in the park this afternoon before i have to go to work. Which brings me to work, and the autism part of my post, not that I have favorites, but one of my favorites is moving away today. I've been working with him since he was four years old. He turns ten next month. A tiny piece of my heart is ripping out. I know that he will continue to grow and learn, but omygosh am I gonna miss him.

If I had favorites, these would be the three. The three boys I have known since they were 2, 3, and 4. They've each grown so much. Little man beside me was the first child with Autism I ever met, and the ring bearer in my wedding. Boy behind me, I went to school with for three years. Now he's there by himself and on honor roll! And boy beside him, that's my guy who's moving. He has the best sense of humor ever, I love him to death and am gonna miss him soooooooo much!

Can't help but

get my hopes up this time. Even though I know I shouldn't. My period is a little lighter today, which leads me to believe that it may possibly be coming to an end. Which leads me to hope that I may ovulate this cycle, and with ovulation, well, you get the picture. Is it stupid for me to get my hopes up. Don't answer that, I know it is. Yet.......

Crampy and Cranky

Anna's belly is growing rapidly. I am so excited for her, and so sad for me. In a few short days it will be May. May! A year away from when I went off bcp's. A year since the obsessive testing began. A year since I lost hope in the fact that maybe PCOS was just something I was misdiagnosed with. I can't say it's been a year of trying. Because it hasn't. It's been a year of waiting to try, wishing for a chance to try, and then pretending to try, knowing darn well nothing would come of it because my darn ovaries are holding my eggs captive FOREVER!!!! Grrrrr! I took myself off of the Provera, because I was having breakthrough bleeding and cramps from the devil. I figured I might as well save the stuff since it's about tough getting nuclear codes as it is to get a provera refill from my doc. That's assuming that my period ever stops. Which if it does, I'm almost positive it will be gone for a very, very long time. When they called with my ultrasound results, they suggested I make an appt with DR W to see about going on Clomid right away. Not sure how I feel about that, both going on clomid, and also about them thinking I need it so badly. I think I'll wait until August at least, because I'd be more comfortable after this crazy summer (where I become the main breadwinner for a whole year) is over. Anyway, when the tech was doing my ultrasound, I thought I saw a small mass in the middle of my uterus, I was thinking it was a cyst, or polyp or something. Wrong! Apparently it was the empty part of my womb. The endometrium was just that thick. The NP told me this period would be super heavy because of it, and she wasn't kidding. It's CD3 and it's been the heaviest ever, and I have cramps from he devil. On top of it, I'm pretty sick with what feels exactly like mono, but I know must just be a sinus infection or something. Boy aren't I just a ball of pleasantness? I want a baby, so badly it's hurting me, physically hurting me. And DH? I can see in his eyes when he looks at Anna, or his friend's very pregnant wife that he wants it badly too. I keep giving it to God, only to take it back again. Why am I doing this? Why does it hurt so bad? Why does my body hate me? I'm going back to bed. Wake me up when I'm fertile.

I spoke too soon!

As I sit here with aloe on my purple sunburn I realize that I spoke too soon about not getting burnt, but boy was it a beautiful day yesterday! I feel so blessed to live so close to the beautiful beach. It is an oasis in the midst of my busy weeks.

I had my ultrasound today. It was the first vagin.al one that I've had (well it's only the second ultrasound I've ever had) the tech told me that I didn't have any cysts, but I did have several little follicles all over my right ovary, which is fairly high up in my abdomen she said. I really have no idea what any of that means, but the NP is supposed to call me back on Monday. Hopefully she'll have some info that will put me on my way to a bfp.

Spring is here!

Finally. Finally two weeks of perfect beach weather have arrived, and I have been enjoying every moment of them. This year I am enjoying them with lots and lots of sunscreen, as I have finally admitted to myself that I will never ever be tan, so I may as well enjoy my pasty-ness, rather than sport a purpleish lobster like hue as I have been known to do from say April to October.Tomorrow I am spending my morning at the beach relaxing before going to work with my boys.

As for my menstruation issues, it seems that the nurse practitioner at Dr. W's is less incompetent than the rest of the staff. She put me on a 21 day round of provera to stop the period, and it worked. However, she did a vaginal exam even though I was bleeding heavily, so I left a bit traumatized. I have an ultrsound on Friday to rule out any fibroids, ruptured cysts or endometriosis (however I know a simple ultrasound will not really rule any of that out) I'll update when I get the results.

Day O Birth musings

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday. I know in most circles I find myself the youngest, but as tomorrow approaches, I'm beginning to feel old . Not all the time. Not when I'm tossing toddlers in the air. Not as I lay beside Anna looking out at the beautiful Gulf of Mexico, my skin caked with a mixture of salt air and sunscreen. Not as I log onto my online class to complete yet another mindless assignment separating me from my illusive master's degree. And definitely not as I peruse the scriptures, marveling at how great my God is. But when I notice the wrinkles on my mother's hands- I feel it. When I scroll through the contacts on my phone and realize eighty percent of them are work contacts- I feel it. When I see girls who I remember wearing braces holding their babies- I feel it. And when I think about the fact that I am not at all looking forward to tomorrow more than any other day, I really feel it.

More and more I'm feeling old. And the older I feel, the more afraid I get. It's almost been a year since DH and I have used any protection. And yet. No offspring. Not even a hint of offspring. And I'm afraid, that it's just a preview of things to come. As I get older my fertility is not going to be improving. And as I get older the longing is getting stronger and stronger. The longing to nurture, to love, to embrace, and to provide for is so strong. Sometimes I feel as if it could overtake me. Especially when one of the children at work slips and calls me "mama" or when they cry, and throw themselves into my arms for comfort, or even as I sit in the school pick up line, waiting for their darling faces to appear. The little tastes of motherhood are more that I can take. Autism or no, I love these little people as if they were my own, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish at least one of them were.

I'm starting out my tomorrow with a visit to the evil DR W. However, she is sick, so I will surely be seen by someone else (praise Jesus!) The AF like bleeding has not gone away. If anything it has gotten heavier, and is being accompanied by more and more symptoms. Each time I use the restroom I can't decide whether to be delighted by the fact that something at least seems to be working (even if it is a little too zealous) or to be dismayed by the fact that it's not over yet. DH is also dismayed, as you can imagine. At least with no AF you can bd anytime. A 20+ day AF kind of puts a damper on the mood if you know what I mean. Baby wishes to all and to all a goodnight.