I heart my babies

I ordered and at home doppler and it just came in the mail. I was able to find both babies' heartbeats. Pretty freakin cool :-)

pregnancy freakout

I am known to have freakouts. Where I curl up into a ball and cry as if the world is ending. My heart aches, my nose runs, and hubby tries desperately to console me. I used to have one at the change of semesters. Each new schedule would turn me into a ball of stress, until that ball exploded into a gush of tears.

So today, it could have just been the hormones, but I am pretty sure it is the culmination or realizing my life is going to change forever. I am feeling particularly yucky today. Tired, sore, nauseous, fat, just disgusting. I want to run away from my body and just feel ok for like an hour. That started my crying. But then I cried and cried. And the reasoning went from misery to terror.

What am I going to do with two babies? How will I be a good mother to them. How will we afford them? Will my marriage suffer from the stress of having two newborns? Will I realistically be able to work much longer in my pregnancy, and how long will it take me to get back to work afterward? Will my boys understand? Will they remember me and love me the same, or will they feel I have abandoned them? Who will take care of them if both I and pregnant co-worker are out? Will their parents stop bringing them? Will my children have Autism? How would I deal with twins with special needs?

The list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be pregnant. And so happy that the Lord has seen fit to make it a twin pregnancy. But wow. Our lives are about to change. And I already love these little beans so much, I wouldn't want it any other way. I just hope that I am good enough for them. I just hope I can give them all they need, and still fulfill my roles as wife, therapist and Christian. And then, in the midst of my tears and worries. I feel my husband's loving hands wiping the hair out of my face. I feel the fullness low in my belly. And in my heart I hear "Be anxious for nothing." "Be still and know that I am God." "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you." And I know things will be ok.

I think I need to make a list of promises for this pregnancy, and put it somewhere that I can see it each day, and be reminded that these lives were divinely planned, and the Lord has great plans for them, and for me.

He's here

Anna had her little man today. He is beautiful, and she did great. I watched. Wow. Not sure about this!

9 weeks

How far along: 9 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are growing from the size of grapes to the size of kumquats (which actually seems like a big jump to me). They are going from .90 of an inch to 1.22 inches long. Also, they are doubling in weight from .07oz to .14 oz.

Symptoms: nausea, fatigue, boobs are still sore, but starting to feel a little better, I am still always hungry, yet pretty much everything grosses me out, my nausea sticks to the afternoon and evenings.

Total weight gain: -9lbs

Maternity clothes: I bought some maternity shorts, capris, and a maternity shirt. The bottoms were becoming necessary, the shirt was only five dollars and covered up the tummy panels in the bottoms. My mom bought me some maternity underwear and a sweater, but it'll be a while before I'm in those.

Stretch marks: no new ones yet

Sleep: Sleep at night is illusive. DH wakes me with his snoring, and then I have an awful time getting back to sleep. An hour later I'll wake up and have to pee. Afternoon naps are my friend. DH was gone this weekend, and I still tossed and turned all night.

Best moment this week: Getting my medicaid acceptance. It is a weight off of my shoulders knowing I and the babies will be covered. As much as I love being self-employed and DH being in school, the benefits SUCK. Praise the Lord for providing!

Movement: None that I can feel yet, but baby.center says they are moving already.

Food cravings: More like major food aversions. Cereal, cheese,some fruit, and toast, crackers and ice cream are the only things I can really tolerate.

Belly Button in or out: In. I think it will stay that way.

What I miss: having the energy to get things done after work.

What I am looking forward to: my next appt, August 10th, as well as moving up to the second trimester.

Milestones: 9wks, the beans are no longer embryos but are now fetuses.

How is daddy? Excited, and taking great care of me.

How are the grandparents? Proud. They can't wait for the babies to arrive.

soooo sick!

If I weren't pregnant I would be really happy with my scales right about now. Loosing about a lb ever day or two because I cannot stomach anything. I'm hoping this weight loss does not hurt my babies. My progesterone came back lower than it was right past ovulation, so they started me on prome.trium. I am trying really hard not to worry too much about it. Getting my blood drawn again Friday to see if my levels have gone up. Even though I am only working 4-6 hour days 4 days a week I am so so so very tired. I come home and lay in bed as soon as I get off work. Work has been interesting. We work with twins, I can't help but look at them and feel overwhelmed. But chances are I won't have Autistic twins. So that's a little less stress. So many things are running through my head. Just trying to get a little out. I am still feeling so blessed to be pregnant. And twins just adds to it. But I feel overwhelmed too. In a good way. The Lord has great plans. I just know it.

8 wk update

How far along: 8 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are growing from the size of kidney beans to the size of grapes. They are going from just over 1/2 of an inch to about an inch long.

Symptoms: nausea, fatigue, sore boobs, am always hungry, yet pretty much everything grosses me out, increased sense of smell.

Total weight gain: -7lbs

Maternity clothes: none yet, but I am already starting to show. I'm thinking by 12 weeks I'll probably have to buy some maternity pants

Stretch marks: no new ones yet

Sleep: Sleep at night is illusive. DH wakes me with his snoring, and then I have an awful time getting back to sleep. An hour later I'll wake up and have to pee. Afternoon naps are my friend.

Best moment this week: Seeing the little heartbeats, and finding that second baby. Although I don't know how I'm going to handle two, I am so thankful for my children and can't wait to meet them!

Movement: None that I can feel yet, but baby.center says they are moving already.

Food cravings: More like major food aversions. Cereal, cheese,some fruit, and toast are the only things I can really tolerate.

Belly Button in or out: In. I think it will stay that way.

What I miss: being able to be smelly places without almost puking.

What I am looking forward to: my next appt, August 10th, as well as moving up to the second trimester.

Milestones: Announcing to church and FB today that we are expecting.

How is daddy? Excited but stressed about logistics

How are the grandparents? Very excited, and happy they don't have to keep it a secret anymore!

1st appt update

So I had my first OB appt today. The ARNP saw me and I really liked her a lot. She spent a ton of time talking with us, and seemed really interested in all our questions and concerns. She saved the US for last, which kind of annoyed me, but I understood she had lots of other things to do. She found the baby, no problem. He or she is nice a snug in my womb ( was secretly worried about ectopic) And her/his little heart was fluttering away. We couldn't hear it, but she measured it at 153bpm. Then I asked if she could point out the yolk sac. She moved the wand around but said she was not good with sonograms. Then she said "Wait, is that another baby? It is, it is another baby! You're having twins!" So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Twins. And they both have little heartbeats. Can't scan photos, but will try to take pics of them and upload soon. So happy to be having a healthy pregnancy, and twins? What a crazy, wonderful, unexpected blessing.

first appointment tomorrow!

I can't decide if I'm more nervous or excited. DH's instructors told him he could leave clinicals early to go with me. This makes me very happy. Hoping to get happy news tomorrow!

7 weeks

I haven't yet done one of those pregnancy surveys, but I want to remember the details of this pregnancy, so here goes.

How Far Along: 7 weeks!!!


How Big is The Baby: This week baby is growing from the size of a blueberry to a kidney bean. He/she is about 1/2 of an inch long.

Total Weight Gain: I've lost about 5 lbs in the past two weeks, because although I am usually hungry, there are very few things that don't trigger nausea, so I have only been eating enough to keep my belly from growling.

Maternity Clothes: I bought two seamless sleeping bras, and ordered some sweaters that were on clearance. Am wearing no maternity clothes now, but a few of my shorts are a little too snug around my waist.

Stretch Marks: none yet, but I know I will get tons, I've always gotten them easily.

Sleep: I want to all the time, but can't sleep well at night. I wake up about 20 times either to pee or to re-adjust. Between the sore bbs and belly bloat I cannot get comfy. However, if I can, I take about an hour-2hour nap each afternoon.

Movement:I don't think that he/she is moving yet, the first I see it mentioned is 9/10 weeks, but I don't expect to feel it until 18-20 wks. I'm excited at the thought of it though.

Food Cravings: instant mashed potatoes (which i usually hate) yogurt and fruit.

What I Miss: Not worrying every moment about whether the baby is ok. I know before I was worrying about whether or not we would conceive, but this is somehow so much worse!

What I’m Looking Forward To: seeing my little one on Wednesday. This first appointment can't get here fast enough!

Milestones: 7weeks feels like a milestone. Over halfway through the first trimester, and I've read that baby has a better chance of survival after 6 wks, then 10, then 13. Praying so hard for a healthy little heartbeat on Wednesday!

6w 4d

This week has gone by so slowly, even though I only had a three day work week. Every day I have come home and taken a nap. Work takes so much out of me lately.Co-worker had her 7wk appt today. She texted and said they saw a heartbeat. She is less than thrilled about being pregnant, but is excited about the actual baby. I won't be able to announce to anyone who is a friend on face.book, until she and I "come out" to our boss together. Now that's going to be an interesting conversation! Less that a week until my appointment. I am trying to be patient and take each day as it comes. Yesterday I had some scary cramping, but it seems to be gone today. I am praying that it was nothing bad.

This weekend we are celebrating my MIL's bday. But my FIL is out of state, and DH has to work, so I am hanging out with her. Hope she doesn't want to do anything that takes too much energy!

Bleh.

I am feeling beyond terrible today. Almost passed out during worship at church today. After coming home and staying in bed for the rest of the day i thought maybe I could make DH a nice dinner. About ten minutes and I feel like passing out again. I get vertigo often, but this was so much worse. I hope it goes away by Tuesday, or I'm going to be no good at work. Also having some nausea issues. Foods are certainly starting to repulse me, pretty much anything with heavy sauce or major flavor. Toast, saltines and pretzels are my new fav. I guess the scale has decided it feels sorry for me, because for the first time in a week, I weighed myself today. And it says I am down 2 pounds. Yet my pants all feel a little tighter. And my bras are definitely tighter. So I'm not really sure where it went.

Today marks what I think is 6 weeks. Last night I dreamed little bean was a girl. I want a boy more. DH wants a girl more. My mom says its a boy, and she is always wrong. Guess we'll see in about 14 weeks.

Happy Independence Day!

Independence

In an amazing turn of events, DH and I have four days off together. It doesn't happen very often, and I am enjoying every moment of it.

DH wanted to have people over for the 4th, but his dad was leaving for the weekend and my mom had to work, so we decided to have our families over last night instead. DH took care of the cooking and cleaning, and we all had nice time. We are so blessed to have both of our families living so close. With the environmental disaster and disastrous local economy, we have considered moving to someplace with better job opportunities and better school systems. But then I realize what we have right here. And I know we will probably never leave.

I have been having some lower back pain for the last several days. Praying it's just growing pains. Major breast and nipple tenderness, complete exhaustion, weird cravings, and a little queasiness. But I wouldn't trade those things for the world if it means a healthy pregnancy. About 10 more days until my US. :-)

I told Anna yesterday. Best reaction so far. She cried the happiest tears, and hugged DH and I so tight. I think she was almost as excited as I was when I found out.

In other news. We have decided to switch churches yet again. Our pastor stepped down last fall and last December we decided to go somewhere with less drama. However, after 6 months there, we have decided to go back to the church I grew up in, the church where we met, and the church where both of our families attend. Tomorrow is our first Sunday back together. I'm excited. The people there are like family, and the new pastor is doing an amazing job.

An interesting turn of events.

Yesterday two things happened.

The first was a little scary, but I trust the Lord will work it out. I went to apply for state health care for my pregnancy, and based on our paystubs we were just over the eligibility requirement. But this was only because one of DH's checks included two weeks of full time training as well as his normal hours. The woman helping me was nice enough to let me declare our income, and then turn in paystubs in two weeks when DH has checks that show what he truly earns (which is not that much). He got his first check yesterday, and as long as the next one is the same size, we'll be fine. So I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed.

The second was expected, but exciting nonetheless. I may have mentioned I have a co-worker who also has PCOS. She just recently went from never ever wanting to have children to TTC (about 6-7 months ago). She is 8 years older than me, and definitely not as obsessive about temping or anything else. She told me she ovulated the week before I ovulated, and I keep track of her periods (because I want to know when it happens for her!) She has been complaining of weird symptoms and I have told her to take a test. Yesterday she did, and she is pregnant too! Goodness gracious our office is going to be interesting the next few months. The only thing I'm worried about is if one of our pregnancies don't make it to full term, I know we will always look at the child who did make it with envy. But I am praying my little heart out that come February we both have healthy babies.

And as for baby bean. Still feeling pregnant. No bad symptoms, but this waiting is torturous. I really just want to see what is in my belly so I can stop worrying. 2 more weeks. Anyone else have to wait this long for a first OB appointment?