I want some babies!

Yesterday, was more difficult than others. As I sat by the tree at my grandparents house and listened to my family comment on how sad it was that there were no babies around, casting sideways glances towards hubby and I. Yes! I agree, it is sad! I want nothing more than to be sitting here with a little chubby angel on my knee! And I began to think and wish, that maybe next year, or even the year after I might have a snuggling infant or a growing belly beside the Christmas tree. But I didn't tell them that. I just kept my mouth shut, and later told hubby how much I really want a baby. And of coarse he said "One day" as he always does. One day indeed. One day, a million or so days from now. But I want one. Now.

But I can't say my life is completely childless. I may not be a mommy, but on a consistent basis I consider 10-15 sweet little ones to be "mine". These children are miracles, no doubt. Each day I celebrate their words, social attempts, and development as if they were my very own. I know that if it weren't for Autism, they would not be a part of my life. And I pray that each of them could be healed of this disorder. Yet I cannot help but be thankful for it too. Because it brought me these angels, and their amazing, beautiful, resilient, determined parents. Parents who would go to the end of the world and back to bring little pieces of their babies back. Parents who would throw away mortgages, vacations, clothes, and even sometimes marriages just to pull the child inside to the surface. And the moments when their child says "I love you" or simply smiles and runs to the door when they walk in the room, or even tells a lie (showing theory of mind) - you can tell these are the moments the parents live for. And for now, these are the moments I live for. And I know, somewhere deep in my heart, this is the reason God has not blessed me with children of my own flesh and blood yet. Because if He had, my heart would not belong to them. My heart would not rejoice as it does at each tiny yet monumental accomplishment because it would be too full. So for now, my heart belongs to you, my first babies. MS, SN, NS, JW, CC, SB, NF, LS, KS, MH, and LC. I love you my darlings.

praying for a miracle......

I work with kids with Autism. I love them. I love their parents. I really respect their parents- they do so much!!! However, something I see many parents do, is change their child's treatment, hoping for a miracle cure. Chelation, the GFCF diet, RDI, probiotics, hyperbaric chamber, etc etc. I'm not saying these things work, or don't work. I'm just saying that parents try them, expecting they cure their child over night. That just doesnt happen. But it doesn't stop these parents from trying! I say that if it were me in that situation I wouldn't try any of the crazy, non-research based methods. But honestly, I can't promise that. If it were my child, I think I'd try everything, crazy or not, to help my child.

I'm getting a small dose of this. My PCOS symptoms have been horrible lately. Can you believe I've gained about 85 lbs in the past 4 years?! And that's not the only thing that my body has done because of this. I am miserable, and I really want a baby. At this point I'm searching for a miracle cure, taking all kinds of vitamins and herbs, and going to the DR to ask about metformin tomorrow. I'm praying it's my miracle pill. That somehow my body will just say "Oh yeah, this is what I'm supposed to do!"

I just want to get better, and be a mommy, and for my boys to all get better too. I love them so much. I think if given the choice- them getting better or me being a mommy.......I'd pick them. Which is crazy, because I want to be a mommy more than anything......or maybe I don't. I might not be a mommy, but I love those boys as if they were my own.