:-)

10 pounds down as of today. This makes me happy in a world of unhappy. Also, I got to spend two whole days with hubby this week, which was particularly awesome.

And a quick rant that has nothing to do with IF: Hubby and I are re-doing the floors in our house, because it was a foreclosure and the carpets are pretty rank. Anyway, we asked for Lowe's (a home improvement store) gift cards, because that is where we have bought our flooring from. We needed about 300 more $ worth to do our living/dining areas. We got 200 $ worth of Home Depot gift cards that are non-refundable, and they don't carry our flooring........ sigh..........

I want some babies!

Yesterday, was more difficult than others. As I sat by the tree at my grandparents house and listened to my family comment on how sad it was that there were no babies around, casting sideways glances towards hubby and I. Yes! I agree, it is sad! I want nothing more than to be sitting here with a little chubby angel on my knee! And I began to think and wish, that maybe next year, or even the year after I might have a snuggling infant or a growing belly beside the Christmas tree. But I didn't tell them that. I just kept my mouth shut, and later told hubby how much I really want a baby. And of coarse he said "One day" as he always does. One day indeed. One day, a million or so days from now. But I want one. Now.

But I can't say my life is completely childless. I may not be a mommy, but on a consistent basis I consider 10-15 sweet little ones to be "mine". These children are miracles, no doubt. Each day I celebrate their words, social attempts, and development as if they were my very own. I know that if it weren't for Autism, they would not be a part of my life. And I pray that each of them could be healed of this disorder. Yet I cannot help but be thankful for it too. Because it brought me these angels, and their amazing, beautiful, resilient, determined parents. Parents who would go to the end of the world and back to bring little pieces of their babies back. Parents who would throw away mortgages, vacations, clothes, and even sometimes marriages just to pull the child inside to the surface. And the moments when their child says "I love you" or simply smiles and runs to the door when they walk in the room, or even tells a lie (showing theory of mind) - you can tell these are the moments the parents live for. And for now, these are the moments I live for. And I know, somewhere deep in my heart, this is the reason God has not blessed me with children of my own flesh and blood yet. Because if He had, my heart would not belong to them. My heart would not rejoice as it does at each tiny yet monumental accomplishment because it would be too full. So for now, my heart belongs to you, my first babies. MS, SN, NS, JW, CC, SB, NF, LS, KS, MH, and LC. I love you my darlings.

Again with the crosshairs!

FF took my crosshairs away again. No surprise there. My temps were just up from being sick. Feeling pms-y last few days. Picked a fight with hubby last night, sore bbs, and slight cramping. (Please Lord let this be AF!)

However, I lost another lb. So that's exciting. Total so far-9. -49 to go.

weight loss goals

So, A second attempt at adding photos to a blog post. Hopefully this goes better. I want to document what PCOS has done to me, so that I can look back, and determine to get my body back!

The first photo (I'm the girl on the right) was me at a weight that I found satisafctory. Not my skinniest, but probably my healthiest. It was after cross-country season, and I had been eating healthy. This was almost 5 years ago.

This second photo (I'm in a red sweater)was a year after the first. I had gone away to college and gained 35 lbs. I started missing periods and my face began to break out.

This third photo (hubby and I by a lamp post)is about 2 years after the the previous one, about 2 years ago. This was my engagement session. I have gained another 20 lbs, but then lost 10. This was about 10 lbs over the weight i was at when I got married. I had been on the pill for a little over a year.

This fourth (girl with cute baby goat)is me last month. I have gained 40 lbs since my wedding. This person pretty much disgusts me. I'd love to get back down to where I was before my wedding by this summer, and to where I was before all this started by next Christmas season. This is my starting po int. Here we go.

FF says I o'd

But I don't think I did. I think my temps are just up because I'm sick. We'll see I guess. Also, I miscalculated when we can start ttc. It's November, at the earliest, not August. Poo. And again I say Poo. I want to be a mommy so badly, but I know it will be so much better, if Hubby could be done with school, so that I can stay home with our son or daughter as long as I want or need to. If we got pg now, I'd have to work and he'd have to take care of baby. Neither of us really want that. So November it is. 11 months to go. Hopefully this is the last time we move the date back. I am NOT going back on the pill for the wait though. So a suprise could happen, right :-)? With PCOS I know it's doubtful, but I trust God to make me a mommy when He sees fit.

So sick

I have a cold, I think that's what it is anyway. But my temps have been higher in the am, and it's messing up my already messed up chart. :-(. Baby fever was not gone for long at all. We were waiting to officially start TTC until march. Now, I think it's pushed back until next August, depending on Hubby's school. That's 9 months from now. I could possibly lose a lot of weight by then. Maybe that will normalize my cycle. I know I posted the other day that I was only down 5lbs, but I've lost 3 since then. 50 to go before I am where I was at the beginning of my PCOS journey, and another 30 after that to be at my goal weight, where I remember being before any symptoms. I think I could lose the 50 by August. Depending on motivation, even part of the 30, but we'll see. I'll post more on this after new years.

As for the aloe for acne, that was very shortlived. Two days of it, and my face broke out worse. I know it's good for scars. Once my skin is less volatile I may try again.

And one last thing- I miss cable. We had it turned off after hubby's flub with the bills. No cable, no groceries, and no wrapping paper for Christmas gifts. Feeling a little destitute.

PCOS symptoms

So, I've been on Metformin for almost two months now, and am noticing little difference. No period, only suspected ovulation, very little weight loss, slight decrease in acne, and major increase in gastrointestinal issues. I have made a few discoveries with the met. #1 being that if I drink more water my stomach feels better. #2 If I skip my fish oil supplement my stomach gives me very few issues and #3 If I eat I get sick, but if I don't eat I seem to get sicker. The past few days have been the first time I have actually been hungry and wanted to eat. The rest of my time on met, I have only eaten because my stomach was growling, or I felt like I might pass out. Not sure what any of this means. I've only lost about 5 lbs. Which totally sucks. Usually I can drop 20 with little effort, but it seems to be hanging on for dear life now. *sigh* I am planning on really buckling down as soon as Christmas is over and my schedule is back to normal.
I have 30 more days until I can get a provera prescription. I am praying that AF arrives on her own, but not getting my hopes up. My temps have been different this past week than they have been before. I can't wait until I can actually see from charting what my body is doing. This being my first time charting, none of it really makes sense yet.
And last, the acne. It is, in fact, better than it was, but I believe that is in part, because, I had AF. My skin got continuously worse the 6 months I went without AF, so I have no doubt it will get worse the longer I let it go on. I have read a few places that aloe, the gel from the actual plant, not the green stuff you buy for sunburns, is helpful with acne. So, as of tonight, I am rubbing aloe on my face once per day. This is my new treatment partly because it is natural, but mostly because I have a HUGE aloe plant growing on my porch, and this treatment will be free. And free is pretty appealing right now with our finances the way they are.
Speaking of finances, I may be getting more hours come January. That would be awesome if I knew that I would actually get paid for the work. I am tired of working all week for a worthless piece of paper. And i'm stuck, because with the hours I do work it's not like I can get a second job, and I am so attached to my kids, I couldn't leave. I wouldn't be so frustrated if it weren't for the sucky financial situation. Anyway, enough complaining.....off to bed....which I am very thankful to have :-)

Where do we go from here?

I'd be lying if I said this week weren't one of the hardest weeks of my life.
It has been a very hard week. Money issues threaten to overtake us. But I know God has us in His hand and though He allows us to stumble, He won't let us fall. (Psalm 37) Hubby and I had a rough couple of days. Very rough, but I believe he is sorry, and have forgiven him. Today we sat down with my in-laws to look at our budget. We determined that we spend too much money, but it is on "extras". We can well afford our neccesseties and therfore, after getting out of the current hole, should be able to work towards getting out of bigger debt (and work towards babies!)

The light in this week was that Hubby (on his 3rd attempt) finally passed the last test he needed for a program he is trying to enter in school. Praying that there is still a spot for him. The new school program would mean a new and better job, and money issues becoming better!

I have a cold but am ready to start the next week. Wishing AF would make her appearance. I was spotting on Friday, but that's gone now, so who knows what's going on!

Cuz you had a bad day.....

For the first time in a reallly long time I don't want a baby right now.
Yes the thought of "If I don't get on top of this now it will never happen" thoughts are still there, but the thought of bringing another life into this world, seems to me, a bad choice at this point in time. On Tuesday, this was not true. I wanted a baby sooo badly.

But when yesterday rolled around, and the bank called and informed me we were two months behind in mortgage payments, nooo, correction, almost 5 months behind in mortgage payments, AND MY HUSBAND HADN'T TOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! suddenly, I lost all desire to bring a poor little helpless baby into the crap/craziness that is my life. I can't believe this is happening to me. I thought my marriage was wonderful. I thought that we were making it. I thought everything was fine. I thought I knew the man lying in bed with me at the end of each day. I was wrong. And I'm not sure if I can deal with that.

Oh Christmas Tree.

My tree is twinkling away in my living room. It makes me happy. It reminds me of trees past. Last year it stood cramped in the corner of our tiny, overprice apartment. It made me happy because it was Hubby's and my first tree. It was our first Christmas as a married couple. The year before it was in my grandparents house. It was fake, and covered with really old ornaments, but it was also across from the hall closet which held my wedding dress. The first time I sat at the Christmas dinner table, holding his hand, not worried about my dad throttling him across the table. The year before that, a hodgepodge of branches covered with lights stood in the corner of a house I rented with 4 other college girls. We sat around it, drinking hot cocoa, and dreaming about when we would someday have a house of our own, a husband and a tree of our own. That dream is now true. As I look back, each year took me closer and closer to that dream- the next year's blessing invisible from that year's treeside vantage point. Last year I never wouldve dreamed that I would be in a house that we owned. I dare not imagine a growing belly or tiny infant next Christmas...... but here's to treeside wishing.

I want to be a mommy.

I want to braid my little girl's hair.
I want to kiss my little boy's forhead as he sleeps in his bed.
I want to feel a sweaty little body snoring on my chest.
I want to marvel at my daughter's first word.
I want to record my son's first smile.
I want to teach my children that A says "ah" and B says "Buh"
I want to read them Skippyjon Jones stories, and kiss them goodnight.
I want to teach thier Sunday school class and tell them that Jesus loves them.
I want to cry as I wave goodbye when a big yellow bus takes them to thier first day of kindergarten.
I want to see them learn to play an instrument, or sport.
I want to see them argue in the backseat on road trips.
I want to see them make thier daddy smile.
I want to buy them toys and play with them.
I want to make them eat thier veggies.

Most of all, right now, I want to know that a child is growing inside of me, protected, and mine.

Praying, and hoping that all those wants and wishes come true soon.

hmmmmm

I don't know what in the world is going on with my body, but then again, when do I ever know? My temp has been up (roughly.04 degrees) for three days now. However, it is way lower than the temps earlier this cycle, so FF is not giving me crosshairs. I hate PCOS today. And everday. My pregnant friend is back in town. In some weird way, her being pregnant actually makes me want to be pregnant more, which is sort of impossible, because I already wanted it so bad.

Oh where are you O?

I ordered some OPK's from Amazon, sadly they aren't here yet, and I got a temp spike today. It's about the same as the one I got ealier on this "Cycle". The more I look at my chart against other annovulatory ones the more I think that I really did O on cd 13, just didnt get AF. And it's looking like it might be happening again. Several days of low temps (like the ones before) and today a spike. I'm just speculating here, because the opk's have yet to arrive. I guess we'll see if it keeps going up these next few days. Praying it does, cause hubby and I have bd'd plenty.........

Darn it. There I go again, getting my hopes up. Shame on me. I'm going to *try* not to think about it. Ha.

Here's the craziness
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2a74a1