I'm still here, chugging along. I began to go to counseling and I ended up having to go on zoloft, buspar, and ativan. The meds helped the depression, but my anxiety is out of control. And I now have insomnia. Really bad insomnia. I don't even want to say what all I take; it's enough that a normal person would have overdosed. And I am scared that one day my husband will wake up and find me dead, only because I was trying to go to sleep. I want to get help with it, but nobody seems willing to wean me off. Not that I'm telling anyone how much I truly take, I'd be to a psych ward for sure. *sigh*
Being a mom to twins is great. Being a mom to twins is hell. A very very fine line. I'm totally in love with my little boys. But I've lost my self. And my relationship with my husband is non-existant. We've had sex one time since the babies were born. And before that the last time was last September. I'm so scared he'll get tired of putting up with me and my issues and leave. It's not fair to him. He married someone who cooked and cleaned and did all the other things a good Christian wife should. And all that's left is a shell of that girl. Even though the meds help, I just can't let myself think back to pregnancy and their birth, especially not the time in NICU. If I do I fall apart. And no one tries to help me pick up the pieces anymore.
I know some of you only follow this blog, and I hate to just come here to vent, but since my other blog is public, people I know read it, and I can't post this kind of thing on it.
On the PCOS front. I ended up just going back on bcp's because I didn't want to bother with trying to keep up with my cycles. Since I now know when it's pms, I've realized things are sooo much worse on the week of the white pills. Impossibly worse. So much for being one of those women whose bodies are better after childbirth.
I love being a mom. I love my boys. I just don't love what my pregnancy and birth did to me. I wish the woman who got pregnant last June were here to be a mommy to these boys, because I really think they deserve her instead of what they got.
