Still here

I am still pretty depressed, more so possibly since starting zoloft. I think my anxiety has been reduced a little, as I was able to give the boys about 3 oz of formula yesterday. I realized a while ago that pumping for 4-5 hours per day was taking me away from them 4-5 hours. However, I was just so attached to the idea of exclusive breastmilk that I had a few panic attacks over the decision to give a little formula so I could pump less and spend more time with them. So far they are ok, but every time I give them a bottle I feel awfully guilty. I've still been having about 1 severe panic attack per week. They have been awful and lasted close to two hours. I just want to be a normal happy momma.

It isn't going away.

These feeling wont go away. When they start to the littlest thing makes it bad again. If it weren't for my boys I wouldn't be here right now.

Post Partum

So it's official, I have post partum depression. My mom thinks with anxiety as the dominant feature, depression as the sub. After having several panic attacks, loosing all my coping skills, thinking about suicide, and feeling pretty hopeless and guilty i talked to my doctor who prescribed zo.loft. I started today. Probably need something for anxiety before it starts to work, but xana.ax is not compatible with breastfeeding. (Boo). I slept in out guest bedroom last night and let DH take care of the boys. A little uninterrupted sleep has me feeling better for now, but I can never tell how long "better" will last these days. It is awful to be so aware of what is happening. I know my thoughts and feelings and action are irrational, and I can't control them. I just hope the zo.loft helps and things begin to get better soon.


I imagine the twin guilt will never go away. There is only one "mommy" for two babies. I will never not feel guilty for not being able to give my 100% to each of them 100% of the time.