looks perfect but....

I am so confused by my chart! FF took my crosshairs away, since my temps are going way down. To me except for the lack of AF it looks like a really good chart, like I clearly ovulated, and then my temps went back down for a new follicular phase. (or however you say that) I'm almost wondering if I just didnt have anything to shed this time since last time when I was on provera it was the heaviest AF ever. Not even sure if that is possible! I really don't understand.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2a74a1


Thanksgiving was a good one. Everything I cooked turned out yummy, and our families melded well together. Looking forward to hanging out with my bff and her hubby later. They're in from Tampa, and we havent seen them since their wedding in June. Hopefully we will also be getting a tree this weekend. I need to clean all the thanksgiving mess up first though.

Oh my....

I first of all would like to say that I am thankful to God for His mercy and love, for the salvation I have in Jesus, and that there is no condemnation in Christ. These things alone are so much more than I deserve, yet still He blesses me with a loving hubby, a close and supportive family, a beautiful house that we own, a career I love with people I love, and so so many other wonderful things! I read somewhere "If you haven't everything you want, be grateful for the things you don't have but you wouldn't want" And boy am I. I am thnakful that I know someday God will bless me with a baby. Praise the Lord.

lazy day- kinda

I was supposed to work 9-12 today, but my client called and cancelled at 8:20. So, as usual when a schedule change occurs, I have no idea what to do (yes, I have a little Aspie in me, but doesnt everyone?) I have a buttload of cooking to do, and I also really need to clean my kitchen well before I get to cooking. Even though I am not hosting, I am doing most of the cooking, here's the breakdown:
Fennel Sage Turkey (20lbs)
Turkey gravy
Mashed potatoes (with cream demands my 11 yr old sister)
Fresh Green bean casserole with from scratch cream of mushroom
Sweet Potato Casserole
Cinnamon Apple Cranberry Sauce
Fall shaped shortbread cookies
Almond crunch Pumpkin cheesecake
See? Told you I'll be busy.

On the IF front, no crosshairs, no bfp, and my temps have dropped wayyyyy down, so I'm really hoping this is AF making her apperance. We'll see I guess. Off to cook I go.

Boo hiss

FF just took my crosshairs away. I feel like I worked for those things! Boooo. Stupid ovaries.

What a weekend!

Friday: My Dr's office calls and tell me my pregnancy test is negative. So even though it looks like I ovulated, ( http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2a74a1 )i've given up on this cycle, and hoping for some provera, but you know what? The Dr will not prescribe provera until I've missed 3 months of AF. I have a feeling I'll be waiting the whole 3 months. This totally depresses me. I am so sad to not be pregnant- I had my hopes up.

Saturday: I hang out with one of my very best friends. She's beautiful, single, and a mess. But I love her. She drinks, smokes, and has an e.at.ing dis.order, and at time has been a frequent flyer at the men.tal hosp.ital. She asks me a few questions about ovaries and such, and I suggest she take a hpt to rule it out, then not worry about it. I go buy her a test, and take her to a bathroom to take it. I stay in the bathroom as she takes it. I watch it, as I've watched so many of my own turn, well I'm just sure it will be a BFN, that's all I've ever seen. But the second pink line appears, ever so faint, and gets darker and darker. I tell her um, you're pregnant. She freaks, goes outside and smoke 1/2 dozen cigarettes. I go to the bathroom, and empty my stomach violently, shed a tear and go back and walk with her as she puffs smoke into her lungs. I take her to my home and give her one of my precious digital tests. "Pregnant" flashed upon the screen. She continues to freak. I take her to meet her bf (but doesnt tell him), calling and helping her get an ultra.sound set up. I go home, cry my eyeballs out and buy some pre.natal vitamins for her. She calls, doesnt want to tell anyone with word or action, I bring her home and make my guest room up for her. She stays up talking about her syptoms, I try to be reassuring. At 1 am I go to bed and cry my eyes out on hubby's shoulder.

Sunday: Pastor preaches on worry and fear. I get it- no more crying- it is in God's hands.
I know that God has plans for me. They may or may not include children. But I am ok with that, ok as I can be anyway. He is enough for me, and I mean more than I ever have before. Now I just need to be there for her.

As I said, what a weekend!

frustation

I am frustrated with myself for putting off this massive project. I am frustrated with my body for never doing what it is supposed to (I o'd, but 20 dpo and no AF) and I'm frustrated with 2 weeks of paychecks that haven't arrived, and myself for always saying yes to doing favors, when I really have more important things to do. I'm frustrated!!!

A few of my favorite things

So 18 dpo, no AF, and waiting until tomorrow to test again. I've done what I can on my paper before going to work, and instead of sitting here obsessing over all things PCOS, I will post my first attempt at a picture blog- my favorite things.

1. Fall decor


2. My family

3. My dogs

4. Hot cocoa

5.Little boys with Autism

6. Cast iron skillets

7. Pretty days at the beach

8. My new house

Saturday, oh how I love thee!

I was supposed to be shopping right now. My friend was coming down from Birmingham, and we were to spend today shopping and having fun. But alas, she had to stay home, and I am not going shopping alone, as I am trying to save money (although I did buy a few new sweaters yesterday-but i got a very good deal). So instead I am sitting in my pj's trying to get up the gumption to go make hubby some lunch for when he gets home. I should work on my paper all day today, becasue who know when I'll get the chance again. Key word being should. I'd rather go buy a book and read all day. That sounds like the perfect Saturday to me (especially given a peppermint mocha).

On the PCOS front, idk what is going on. 16 DPO, and no AF, no sign of AF, and another bfn this morning. I'd be happy to get either (much happier to get a bfp)..... looking like I'm rather broken after all. Doom, gloom, and despair.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

Seems to be the theme of my life. It is not my favorite thing- at all. Currently I am waiting until it is time to test. I tested 2 days ago at 9dpo, and of coarse, BFN. But I can't let that get me down, because there's no way to be 100% accurate at 9 dpo. I'm now waiting until Wednesday, which will be 13 dpo. Why Wednesday instead of Thursday? I really have no reason, other that I think that's the longest I can talk myself into waiting. If it's a BFN, and AF doesn't arrive I'll prob'ly test again Saturday. The big reason for waiting till Wed, is that I am keeping my sister again until Tuesday night. I like having her around. If we get lucky enough to have kids like her, this parenting thing will be cake. Or like the cute little chubber in nursery at church yesterday morning, I could do that too :-). He looked exactly like my little brother did when he was a baby.

I'm a little ocd. It's totally effecting my ttc thoughts. And I like to do things early (see graduating from college in 3 yrs and getting married at 20), so when hubby said "March" I heard now. I think he'd be pretty happy once the initial shock wore off if this were it. I totally know that God will provide. I knew this before, but it really hit me Saturday night. Why Saturday night? I have no idea. I just know that before that I wanted a baby but was worried about how money and school would work in, and then I wasn't- at all. I know that no matter what, our baby will be loved and provided for. I know that DH's career will come along and it will all be ok.

Is overwhelming peace a symptom? If so, add it to the list, along with, bloating, sore bbs, nausea, headaches, gassiness, heartburn, increased during the day body temp, extereme tiredness, smell sensitivity, and spicy food craving (and pickles and asparagus also sound good). We'll see if it's all in my head.

Meanwhile, in the theme of waiting, I sit here, waiting for a hurricane to arrive. That's right, a hurricane in November.......hoping that power isn't out too long, and maybe for a day off work. We'll see how this goes down. Some schools here are already cancelled, but as of 9 am, they moved the track over just a little. As long as we aren't on the west side of this thing we're good. Hurricane's are unpleasant, but Category 1 and under, aren't terrifying. Tornadoes on the other hand- no thanks, and in this cold, on the west side of a hurricane, we'd be looking at some tornadoes.

Think I'll be doing some homework and listen to the emergency sirens on the tv go off.

Hopeful

So this week is shaping up to be a good week. At least, that's the way i feel right now. It might just be because my hormones seem to finally be in balance, semi by themselves, for the first time in 3 years. I'm in the 2ww, as those trying to conceive say. I havent really told hubby that there's a possibility, since it wasnt in the plan. Ok, I may have mentioned there was a tiny chance, but I always say that (going to Christian school teaches you that sex=babies, no matter what) , so he doesnt know that this is the closest we've ever been. I think it would be a good surprise if we were, and a good surprise if I acutally got AF too, because that would mean my body is working.

Not so on the weight loss front. Idk what is going on, but the weight loss is still at 2 lbs. Somethings gotta give. Seriously.

I actually worked on my project yesterday. Granted it was not very much, but that's better than nothing. I'm really planning to start implementing something by next Monday. I've gotta finish at least one of these classes! I'm trying to decide whether to take a class next semester. 800 $ we don't have tells me no, but if I don't I lose my spot in the program, and chances are they could get rid of the program. Choices choices.

And now I'm done rambling.