cd8

and AF is going strong, and getting stronger. I pretty much feel like just staying in bed. Cramps have arrived, and they are awful. DH is gone on his new job, and since my car is broken, I've been home alone, and will continue to be until about midnight tonight. I had the chance to do things, people offered to pick me up, but I declined. I'm being antisocial, which is not like me. Maybe I'm a little depressed. It's been about a week since I started my sugar fast. I've lost 4 lbs, and have been reading my Bible every day, and have been focusing on God. not as much as I thought I would, but I have been. I really would like to have a cookie. Yesterday I spent like an hour on cooking site looking up brownie recipes. One week left. As for the Dr. I didn't want to go between the Dr and nurse, so I called first thing in the morning and left a message on the Nurse line. They called me back at 11:59. I was walking the twins out and couldn't answer. I cal;led right back at 12:02, and got the answering service because they close at 12 on Fridays. Coincidence? Or did they wait on purpose? Either way I was angry. If this period doesn't slow down or go away in the next few days I'm going to have to call and ask them to put me on something to make it stop. I wish that things would just be normal. I'm praying things would just get normal.

Today was the worst day ever

or it could be the clomid talking. I hear it tends to make people evil.

#1 I dropped my stinking cellphone on the stinking concrete, and now it won't make stinking calls.

#2 I wanted to go to the beach because it's gorgeous and I had a break between work and Dr, however, thousands of half naked gay people have congregated there because it memorial day weekend, so no beach.

#3 Since I had a break and no beach, I asked if they could take me earlier. They say yes, I go, wait for almost two hours just to be told my progesterone is super low, so if I want when I start my period I could start clomid. Uh, I already did I say. Oh, the Np says, well that's good. The End. WTF!!!! I only have 6 Dr appointments per year and this chic wastes one of them with this!!!! The Dr wasn't even in and it so could have been over the phone, and AHHHHHHHHHHHH! 40 stinking bucks just for that CRAP!? WTF!!! Not to mention when I asked if she could give me progesterone support for the end of my cycle, she's all, well, we'll just see what happens with the bleeding thing, you're young, so we're in no hurry to get you pg. Again I say WTF! Um, yes, I want to be PG, and it's none of your darn business to be telling me if I'm in a stinking hurry or not. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

#4 and then on the way home. My car breaks down. DH says it might be the transmission.

I just broke down and cried and cried. I only think part of it was because of the stinking clomid. Which better work. Seriously. It better.

tomorrow, tomorrow,

I start clomid tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! Eeek! And my Dr. Appt is also tomorrow. Fingers and tows are crossed. Also, both hubby and I saw shooting stars tonight (about 3 hrs apart)that's gotta mean something, right?

Prayer and Fasting

As of yesterday I have embarked on a 2 week sugar fast, to focus on what I want (God,and His being the center of my life, and a baby). I won't lie. I really want a cookie. But every time I think that, I try to turn my thoughts around to reflect what I truly want. What I'm assuming is a true AF arrived on Sunday. So I called DR D for the promised clomid prescription. No word back yet, sooooo a replay of the provera incident? I surely hope not! But I have another appt on Thursday, so I feel I have a better chance here. AF is not heavy yet, and is not accompanied by any cramps. Last time this happened, it got heavier and worse, and then lasted forever. I'm not really sure how this is going to work. I guess this is where the faith and trust comes in.

Is it ridiculous?

#1 That I am posting 2x in one day

#2 that I feel like crying today because of stupid face.book. I took a picture of Anna at the park, a belly shot, since she doesn't have a camera or person to take pictures for her. Anywho, I posted it and tagged her in it and a mutual friend of ours said something like, "Oh, you look so cute, I can't believe you're going to be a mommy." But it's really bothering me. Because it's my photo. And I'm not going to be a mommy. (I just typed an expletive, but since I'm too weak to say one in real life I deleted it here too, just know I'm thinking one)I almost commented her back telling her so, but she didn't mean anything by it. I know. Just. OWWW!

And

#3 That I impulsively bought this at Tar.get today. Because it is so cute. And someday, when I have a boy. His nursery is going to be space themed. And this will hang in it.

5 days

until I go see my Dr and she tells me what we do next. I cannot express how happy/afraid/excited/nervous I am. I want to be a mother. I want DH to be a father. I want this Dr to help us make that happen. And I want our baby to be beautiful, and perfect, and ours. Soon. I want this soon. I'm tired of having a craft room. I don't need a darn craft room. I shouldn't be wasting my time doing stupid crafts. I should be planning a nursery. Praying for my child's future spouse. Kissing my little one good night. I was made to be a mother. Now I'm just praying to be made a mother.

What's it gonna be today?

So every other day, or every three days I have enough spotting to go through underwear and pants. Meanwhile every day I spot some, either on tp or underwear. I never know what it's going to be, or how long it will last and it become quite frustrating! For the past three days I have had a monumental headache to accompany my reproductive systems sneak attacks. I have also been super extra sleepy. In fact, the last time I felt like this was when I had mono. But I dont feel sick. I just dont feel right. I wonder if my symptoms have anything at all to do with hormones, or if I'm sick. A week from today I have the follow-up with my dr to discuss clomid/ prometrium support. I am getting excited about it. I am quite hopeful too. We'll see. Congrats to those who have gotten bfp's, I am happy for you and praying that your little ones come out healthy and whole and happy. And for those like me still waiting. I pray for you too. That your wait will not be long.

My life, the waiting room

God has been teaching me a lesson, for, oh, the last 4ish years. The lesson's name- wait. Truly it is my least favorite thing in the whole world to do, and yet. . . . it is what I seem to have to keep doing. Finally though, things are starting to fall into place. DH is starting his new job, and he is starting nursing school next month. We are finally trying to conceive a baby..... and BAM! There's that word again. Wait. Wait until I find a good DR. Wait until we see if the met works. Wait until I get my period. Wait until I ovulate. Now wait until I can start clomid. I just hope all this waiting is leading up to the exciting wait. You know, the 9 month long one where I get to take home a screaming pooping bundle a of baby joy. Each day I feel the mommy desire get stronger and stronger. I don't know why God would give me this desire, if not to fulfill it. I choose to remain hopeful. I choose to believe I will be a mother someday in the hopefully near future. I choose to prepare my heart, home, and body to welcome this next chapter in my life. I just hope it's soon.

And over and over again!

I love my new DR!!!!!! She actually listened to me, knew more about PCOS than I do, and even seemed to care what was going on. She did an ultrasound and is having me get my progesterone levels checked tomorrow. Sounds like she will be starting me on progesterone support depending on the results of tomorrow's test and also clomid, this next cycle. I just hope that things start to look better soon. I really want to be a mommy soon.

Happy Mother's day *insert eye twitch*

This is the first mother's day that we've really been trying. This is the first mother's day that it hurt. It hurt to see my friends with their sweet snuggling babies (although admittedly, a friend let me rub her baby's head for fertility luck, lol)It hurt to hear the pastor talk about how it was a woman's greatest purpose to be a mother. And it hurt as I sat an thought about the fact that father's day is also coming up, and I can't give that to him. Bled for 3 days, and it seems to have stopped. However,I found a new OBGYN, who has PCOS herself (and conceived on clomid) I am going to see her on Wed. Hopefully she'll have some good ideas.

Happy mother's day to all you ladies blessed enough to be celebrating this year. Your children are so blessed to have you.

Leaving

My period is back. I am mad. I am going out of town tomorrow. Did I mention PCOS SUCKS?! Because it does. The end.

she's back

AF is back, or at least in the process of coming back, on cd 13. WTF?! Crampy, backache, and spotting. Grr, and check out these temps I just don't understand. Looking into seeing a RE, because I don't know what else to do!

Baby Blanket.

Now that I know how to sew, I really really want my own baby to sew for!!!! These are a few pics of what I made.

all signs point to........

possible ovulation, I'm saying within the next week. CP is getting higher, and it is the softest and most open I have felt since I discovered how to check those sorts of things. I really can't help but get my hopes up that this will be a shot at parenthood for us. My baby senses (quite like spidey senses really) are on hyper-alert because I spent all of yesterday working on a blanket for the baby shower of a friend I attended today. I'll post pics soon. Anna is getting a twin to this blanket, that is, when I make it. I worked on it from about 11 am until 1 am! But I'm happy with how it turned out. Did I mention I'm really hoping to ovulate soon? :-)