pregnancy freakout

I am known to have freakouts. Where I curl up into a ball and cry as if the world is ending. My heart aches, my nose runs, and hubby tries desperately to console me. I used to have one at the change of semesters. Each new schedule would turn me into a ball of stress, until that ball exploded into a gush of tears.

So today, it could have just been the hormones, but I am pretty sure it is the culmination or realizing my life is going to change forever. I am feeling particularly yucky today. Tired, sore, nauseous, fat, just disgusting. I want to run away from my body and just feel ok for like an hour. That started my crying. But then I cried and cried. And the reasoning went from misery to terror.

What am I going to do with two babies? How will I be a good mother to them. How will we afford them? Will my marriage suffer from the stress of having two newborns? Will I realistically be able to work much longer in my pregnancy, and how long will it take me to get back to work afterward? Will my boys understand? Will they remember me and love me the same, or will they feel I have abandoned them? Who will take care of them if both I and pregnant co-worker are out? Will their parents stop bringing them? Will my children have Autism? How would I deal with twins with special needs?

The list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be pregnant. And so happy that the Lord has seen fit to make it a twin pregnancy. But wow. Our lives are about to change. And I already love these little beans so much, I wouldn't want it any other way. I just hope that I am good enough for them. I just hope I can give them all they need, and still fulfill my roles as wife, therapist and Christian. And then, in the midst of my tears and worries. I feel my husband's loving hands wiping the hair out of my face. I feel the fullness low in my belly. And in my heart I hear "Be anxious for nothing." "Be still and know that I am God." "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you." And I know things will be ok.

I think I need to make a list of promises for this pregnancy, and put it somewhere that I can see it each day, and be reminded that these lives were divinely planned, and the Lord has great plans for them, and for me.