Post Partum

So it's official, I have post partum depression. My mom thinks with anxiety as the dominant feature, depression as the sub. After having several panic attacks, loosing all my coping skills, thinking about suicide, and feeling pretty hopeless and guilty i talked to my doctor who prescribed zo.loft. I started today. Probably need something for anxiety before it starts to work, but xana.ax is not compatible with breastfeeding. (Boo). I slept in out guest bedroom last night and let DH take care of the boys. A little uninterrupted sleep has me feeling better for now, but I can never tell how long "better" will last these days. It is awful to be so aware of what is happening. I know my thoughts and feelings and action are irrational, and I can't control them. I just hope the zo.loft helps and things begin to get better soon.


I imagine the twin guilt will never go away. There is only one "mommy" for two babies. I will never not feel guilty for not being able to give my 100% to each of them 100% of the time.

In a bad place

I'm not sure, but I think I might have postpartum depression. I cry for hours at night. Sometimes I don't want to hold my babies. I thought about suicide. I have a hard time facing each day. But I am so happy to be their mom. I just am not good enough. I have major guilt when holding one while the other cries. I never feel like enough. My DH does so much, and I feel like I'm not enough for him either. He cared for me throughout my hell of a pregnancy, and now this. He must feel like he married a different person. I feel like he married a different person. It doesn't help that I have hospital bills piling up around me, and that the insurance won't give Max his own policy number and that I can't call to resolve any of it because my phone doesn't work at my house anymore. Yes, I spend hours alone in a house with two infants and no working phone. That's safe. I want to be everything for both of them. Sometime I feel like they would be better off with no mommy, than a guilty half-mommy. I don't know what to do. I don't want t be like this. I just don't know how to stop.

Nicu post on my other blog

Check it out.
http://mamamos-myboysandme.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-new-heroes.html

Yay!

I figured out how to get back on!!!! My account is through a school email that is no longer active, and I am not advanced enough to figure out how to fix it. So if I go awol again, you can find me here
My little men are here. It was an awful labor experience. I didn't get to see them until they were 29 hours old. They were in NICU for 9 of the longest and most agonizing days of my life. They won't breastfeed so I am pumping and bottle feeding two babies, which takes up a heck of a lot of my day, I am still bleeding like crazy,which along with my still high blood pressure sucks the life out of me. But they are home now. Each feed is a trial. Thier daddy is wonderful but every once in a while does things like leave one on the kitchen counter while he goes to get a fresh diaper from the other room, or "tickle" them at bedtime (new babies don't like that soft touch, and at bedtime I want them to be kept quiet and unstimulated) I won't say any of this on my public blog. I wont say that I cry myself to sleep every night. But that is the other side of the wonderfullness of becoming a mommy. (And it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world) Sleep deprivation has just gotten the best of me. Visit my other blog for birth story and updates on my little princes.

Hospital

In the hospital since yesterday because of high bp/ and protein in my urine. BPs have been better, just waiting on a 24 hour urine to tell me whether I go home or have the cerclage out in the next day or so. Otherwise I'm praying they leave it in until next Friday or the following Monday to let my boys get to be bigger and healthier. Yesterday they were 4lbs5oz and 4lb9oz, not bad for 33 weeks, but I am still dreaming we will get to skip the NICU. Got my first steroid shot yesterday and getting the followup today, praying they help.

update

I've missed a few weekly updates between feeling so poorly and a crashed computer. I have been having tons of contractions, starting spilling protein in my urine, and swelling like crazy and have grown more that I though possible in the past weeks. The boys are doing well. Baby A (xander) decided to flip head down, hopefully he stays that way!!!!! They will take my cerclage out next week, and with all the contractions they are saying i will probably go into labor a soon as they do. Praying for healthy boys who can come home instead of staying in the NICU, an easy vaginal delivery, and people to be understanding about us asking for no visitors. With two babies, and recovering from this hellish pregnancy I'm thinking it will take every thing we have to stay sane, not adding loud germy visitors to the mix! Will update again when feeling better.

New Blog

I plan to make this blog private in the next week or two, I am not a technical genius, but will do my best to allow those who follow this blog to continue to do so. My new blog, which will chronicle the new path I am about about to embark on (ie, mother hood) can be found here: this will be a blog that my irl friends and family are able to read, and will probably mostly be baby posts (so beware) If I can figure out how to I will continue to blog about PCOS/ related issues here.