In a bad place

I'm not sure, but I think I might have postpartum depression. I cry for hours at night. Sometimes I don't want to hold my babies. I thought about suicide. I have a hard time facing each day. But I am so happy to be their mom. I just am not good enough. I have major guilt when holding one while the other cries. I never feel like enough. My DH does so much, and I feel like I'm not enough for him either. He cared for me throughout my hell of a pregnancy, and now this. He must feel like he married a different person. I feel like he married a different person. It doesn't help that I have hospital bills piling up around me, and that the insurance won't give Max his own policy number and that I can't call to resolve any of it because my phone doesn't work at my house anymore. Yes, I spend hours alone in a house with two infants and no working phone. That's safe. I want to be everything for both of them. Sometime I feel like they would be better off with no mommy, than a guilty half-mommy. I don't know what to do. I don't want t be like this. I just don't know how to stop.

Nicu post on my other blog

Check it out.
http://mamamos-myboysandme.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-new-heroes.html

Yay!

I figured out how to get back on!!!! My account is through a school email that is no longer active, and I am not advanced enough to figure out how to fix it. So if I go awol again, you can find me here
My little men are here. It was an awful labor experience. I didn't get to see them until they were 29 hours old. They were in NICU for 9 of the longest and most agonizing days of my life. They won't breastfeed so I am pumping and bottle feeding two babies, which takes up a heck of a lot of my day, I am still bleeding like crazy,which along with my still high blood pressure sucks the life out of me. But they are home now. Each feed is a trial. Thier daddy is wonderful but every once in a while does things like leave one on the kitchen counter while he goes to get a fresh diaper from the other room, or "tickle" them at bedtime (new babies don't like that soft touch, and at bedtime I want them to be kept quiet and unstimulated) I won't say any of this on my public blog. I wont say that I cry myself to sleep every night. But that is the other side of the wonderfullness of becoming a mommy. (And it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world) Sleep deprivation has just gotten the best of me. Visit my other blog for birth story and updates on my little princes.

Hospital

In the hospital since yesterday because of high bp/ and protein in my urine. BPs have been better, just waiting on a 24 hour urine to tell me whether I go home or have the cerclage out in the next day or so. Otherwise I'm praying they leave it in until next Friday or the following Monday to let my boys get to be bigger and healthier. Yesterday they were 4lbs5oz and 4lb9oz, not bad for 33 weeks, but I am still dreaming we will get to skip the NICU. Got my first steroid shot yesterday and getting the followup today, praying they help.

update

I've missed a few weekly updates between feeling so poorly and a crashed computer. I have been having tons of contractions, starting spilling protein in my urine, and swelling like crazy and have grown more that I though possible in the past weeks. The boys are doing well. Baby A (xander) decided to flip head down, hopefully he stays that way!!!!! They will take my cerclage out next week, and with all the contractions they are saying i will probably go into labor a soon as they do. Praying for healthy boys who can come home instead of staying in the NICU, an easy vaginal delivery, and people to be understanding about us asking for no visitors. With two babies, and recovering from this hellish pregnancy I'm thinking it will take every thing we have to stay sane, not adding loud germy visitors to the mix! Will update again when feeling better.

New Blog

I plan to make this blog private in the next week or two, I am not a technical genius, but will do my best to allow those who follow this blog to continue to do so. My new blog, which will chronicle the new path I am about about to embark on (ie, mother hood) can be found here: this will be a blog that my irl friends and family are able to read, and will probably mostly be baby posts (so beware) If I can figure out how to I will continue to blog about PCOS/ related issues here.

31 weeks (And Merry Christmas!)

Belly at L&D triage this week, where we were sent for monitoring because of high bp and contractions





Belly at 30 weeks 6 days

Wow, to think that last year I was so heartbroken to not be pregnant. Life surely has changed in the last year, and I imagine it will change even more in the coming year! DH and I had a quiet Christmas, we were able to go to see my family for a few hours, it was very nice to get out of the house and feel like a normal person. Unfortunately, I got a cold for Christmas, and am feeling particularly miserable, but such is life.

As DH read the Christmas story to me last night, I couldn't help but think of Mary in a new light. I think riding across town in our minivan is uncomfortable, I can't even imagine riding for days on a donkey. Or giving birth my very first time in a barn, or laying my new little baby in the animals food dish, or wrapping him in yucky stable cloths. I am so thankful for modern conveniences that make even my complicated pregnancy easier. But I am most thankful for God sending His Son, no matter the un-ideal circumstance, to this world to provide salvation for all of mankind. What a precious sacrifice and beautiful picture He has provided us in the Christmas story.

And now for the 31 week part of this post.

How far along: 31 weeks

Growth: This week, babies are theoretically growing from the size of four navel oranges each to the size of large jicamas (say what?). They are going from 16.18 inches to 16.69 inches long. Also, they are increasing in weight from 3.31 lbs to 3.75 lbs. (but last Monday Xander was 3lbs and Max was 2 lbs 11 oz)

Symptoms: cervical incompetence,terrible hip and back pain, LOTS of contractions, nausea, hemroids, insomnia, braxton hicks contractions, round ligament pains, heartburn, high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness, anemia, lots of fetal movement (the only fun symptom)

Total weight gain: +13 lbs

Maternity clothes: pajamas. Except for going to the doctor, then I wear real clothes. Some of my maternity shirts no longer cover the maternity panel in my jeans though.

Stretch marks: My underbelly is pretty disgusting, tons of dark stretchmarks. The rest of the belly is not too bad.

Sleep: DH slept in the other bedroom all week, so it had been good, but I got a cold, so it was bad last night, and imagine it will be tonight.

Best moment this week: getting a reprieve from contractions for a few hours in Christmas eve. Best Christmas gift ever. Unfortunately, they came back.

Movement: This week I discovered they like music, usually when any is one the move a lot. They seem the most active around noon, 4-6, and then 11pm.

Food cravings: different things all the time. Usually they go away. This week I HAD to have a hamburger and some broccoli with cheese,peanut butter fudge, and home made pizza

Belly Button in or out: Out for the most part, still a hole, but with a ridge that sticks out all the way around.

What I miss: not having contractions, it's been pretty bad for the past two weeks.

What I am looking forward to: hopefully getting some new meds on Tuesday for my bp (which has been as high as 167/115) and to stop these darn contractions.

Milestones: Getting to 3 lbs seems pretty big

How is daddy? he had his first cold ever this week, but is over it now, and trying to take good care of us.

How are the grandparents? Not much has changed with any of them since last week. DH's dad had a 5 day delay, so I'm really thinking he won't be here in time for the birth. My dad has been grumpy. Both of our moms have been supportive and trying to take good care of me.