New Year!

Happy New Year One and All!
I very much enjoyed having people over for New Years. It was one of the only times we have been host and hostess for our friends. My friend from Birmingham came. My pregnant friend I mentioned in an earlier post and her boyfriend/ baby daddy came. My cousin and his wife (who is also my childhood best friend) also joined us at the very end. They were celebrating their one year anniversary. We drank Tuscan lemonade and shot off fireworks. Then the boys decided the fireworks we girls picked up were to boring to be used as intended and altered them, by dousing them with lighter fluid, wrapping them in paper etc. They set a lawn chair and part of our back yard on fire. Luckily, the fire went out quickly because it had rained all day the day before. Anyway. Nothing too crazy, but wonderfully enjoyable nonetheless. That's the way I want this year to be. Filled with friends, wonderfully enjoyable, and nothing too crazy.

:-)

10 pounds down as of today. This makes me happy in a world of unhappy. Also, I got to spend two whole days with hubby this week, which was particularly awesome.

And a quick rant that has nothing to do with IF: Hubby and I are re-doing the floors in our house, because it was a foreclosure and the carpets are pretty rank. Anyway, we asked for Lowe's (a home improvement store) gift cards, because that is where we have bought our flooring from. We needed about 300 more $ worth to do our living/dining areas. We got 200 $ worth of Home Depot gift cards that are non-refundable, and they don't carry our flooring........ sigh..........

I want some babies!

Yesterday, was more difficult than others. As I sat by the tree at my grandparents house and listened to my family comment on how sad it was that there were no babies around, casting sideways glances towards hubby and I. Yes! I agree, it is sad! I want nothing more than to be sitting here with a little chubby angel on my knee! And I began to think and wish, that maybe next year, or even the year after I might have a snuggling infant or a growing belly beside the Christmas tree. But I didn't tell them that. I just kept my mouth shut, and later told hubby how much I really want a baby. And of coarse he said "One day" as he always does. One day indeed. One day, a million or so days from now. But I want one. Now.

But I can't say my life is completely childless. I may not be a mommy, but on a consistent basis I consider 10-15 sweet little ones to be "mine". These children are miracles, no doubt. Each day I celebrate their words, social attempts, and development as if they were my very own. I know that if it weren't for Autism, they would not be a part of my life. And I pray that each of them could be healed of this disorder. Yet I cannot help but be thankful for it too. Because it brought me these angels, and their amazing, beautiful, resilient, determined parents. Parents who would go to the end of the world and back to bring little pieces of their babies back. Parents who would throw away mortgages, vacations, clothes, and even sometimes marriages just to pull the child inside to the surface. And the moments when their child says "I love you" or simply smiles and runs to the door when they walk in the room, or even tells a lie (showing theory of mind) - you can tell these are the moments the parents live for. And for now, these are the moments I live for. And I know, somewhere deep in my heart, this is the reason God has not blessed me with children of my own flesh and blood yet. Because if He had, my heart would not belong to them. My heart would not rejoice as it does at each tiny yet monumental accomplishment because it would be too full. So for now, my heart belongs to you, my first babies. MS, SN, NS, JW, CC, SB, NF, LS, KS, MH, and LC. I love you my darlings.

Again with the crosshairs!

FF took my crosshairs away again. No surprise there. My temps were just up from being sick. Feeling pms-y last few days. Picked a fight with hubby last night, sore bbs, and slight cramping. (Please Lord let this be AF!)

However, I lost another lb. So that's exciting. Total so far-9. -49 to go.

weight loss goals

So, A second attempt at adding photos to a blog post. Hopefully this goes better. I want to document what PCOS has done to me, so that I can look back, and determine to get my body back!

The first photo (I'm the girl on the right) was me at a weight that I found satisafctory. Not my skinniest, but probably my healthiest. It was after cross-country season, and I had been eating healthy. This was almost 5 years ago.

This second photo (I'm in a red sweater)was a year after the first. I had gone away to college and gained 35 lbs. I started missing periods and my face began to break out.

This third photo (hubby and I by a lamp post)is about 2 years after the the previous one, about 2 years ago. This was my engagement session. I have gained another 20 lbs, but then lost 10. This was about 10 lbs over the weight i was at when I got married. I had been on the pill for a little over a year.

This fourth (girl with cute baby goat)is me last month. I have gained 40 lbs since my wedding. This person pretty much disgusts me. I'd love to get back down to where I was before my wedding by this summer, and to where I was before all this started by next Christmas season. This is my starting po int. Here we go.

FF says I o'd

But I don't think I did. I think my temps are just up because I'm sick. We'll see I guess. Also, I miscalculated when we can start ttc. It's November, at the earliest, not August. Poo. And again I say Poo. I want to be a mommy so badly, but I know it will be so much better, if Hubby could be done with school, so that I can stay home with our son or daughter as long as I want or need to. If we got pg now, I'd have to work and he'd have to take care of baby. Neither of us really want that. So November it is. 11 months to go. Hopefully this is the last time we move the date back. I am NOT going back on the pill for the wait though. So a suprise could happen, right :-)? With PCOS I know it's doubtful, but I trust God to make me a mommy when He sees fit.

So sick

I have a cold, I think that's what it is anyway. But my temps have been higher in the am, and it's messing up my already messed up chart. :-(. Baby fever was not gone for long at all. We were waiting to officially start TTC until march. Now, I think it's pushed back until next August, depending on Hubby's school. That's 9 months from now. I could possibly lose a lot of weight by then. Maybe that will normalize my cycle. I know I posted the other day that I was only down 5lbs, but I've lost 3 since then. 50 to go before I am where I was at the beginning of my PCOS journey, and another 30 after that to be at my goal weight, where I remember being before any symptoms. I think I could lose the 50 by August. Depending on motivation, even part of the 30, but we'll see. I'll post more on this after new years.

As for the aloe for acne, that was very shortlived. Two days of it, and my face broke out worse. I know it's good for scars. Once my skin is less volatile I may try again.

And one last thing- I miss cable. We had it turned off after hubby's flub with the bills. No cable, no groceries, and no wrapping paper for Christmas gifts. Feeling a little destitute.