Crampy and Cranky

Anna's belly is growing rapidly. I am so excited for her, and so sad for me. In a few short days it will be May. May! A year away from when I went off bcp's. A year since the obsessive testing began. A year since I lost hope in the fact that maybe PCOS was just something I was misdiagnosed with. I can't say it's been a year of trying. Because it hasn't. It's been a year of waiting to try, wishing for a chance to try, and then pretending to try, knowing darn well nothing would come of it because my darn ovaries are holding my eggs captive FOREVER!!!! Grrrrr! I took myself off of the Provera, because I was having breakthrough bleeding and cramps from the devil. I figured I might as well save the stuff since it's about tough getting nuclear codes as it is to get a provera refill from my doc. That's assuming that my period ever stops. Which if it does, I'm almost positive it will be gone for a very, very long time. When they called with my ultrasound results, they suggested I make an appt with DR W to see about going on Clomid right away. Not sure how I feel about that, both going on clomid, and also about them thinking I need it so badly. I think I'll wait until August at least, because I'd be more comfortable after this crazy summer (where I become the main breadwinner for a whole year) is over. Anyway, when the tech was doing my ultrasound, I thought I saw a small mass in the middle of my uterus, I was thinking it was a cyst, or polyp or something. Wrong! Apparently it was the empty part of my womb. The endometrium was just that thick. The NP told me this period would be super heavy because of it, and she wasn't kidding. It's CD3 and it's been the heaviest ever, and I have cramps from he devil. On top of it, I'm pretty sick with what feels exactly like mono, but I know must just be a sinus infection or something. Boy aren't I just a ball of pleasantness? I want a baby, so badly it's hurting me, physically hurting me. And DH? I can see in his eyes when he looks at Anna, or his friend's very pregnant wife that he wants it badly too. I keep giving it to God, only to take it back again. Why am I doing this? Why does it hurt so bad? Why does my body hate me? I'm going back to bed. Wake me up when I'm fertile.